Stuck

Yesterday was an unexpected trip. And as usual, I didn't feel like socializing at all. I was in deep thought about myself and the universe. I felt like everything in my life was ordinary, like there was nothing particularly interesting about myself or where I'm from. And then suddenly Fabianne started talking about how he feels behind because everyone our year is graduating soon. I feel like he's not going to get anywhere at his rate. But then I started thinking about people in general and how most of the interesting people in life don't get very far. That's not to say they are not successful. What I mean is, is that they vary in interest and they don't know what to do. That doesn't seem the case for Fabianne though because he knows what he wants to do but he's not pushing himself. Then I started thinking about the universe and the possibility that there might not be anything after this life. The thought of that scares me so much because -as awkward and shy as I am, I may not show it, but - I love life. Life is the greatest thing ever and -contrary to popular belief- I think it's precious and rare in our universe. I honestly don't think there are any intelligent life more advanced than ours in the universe. Everyone and everything in the universe started at the same time. The time where nothing became something- the big bang. We all had equal time to evolve. The sheer thought that nothing is after this life is daunting, it's truly scary to me. Close your eyes for a second and try to imagine a huge vast darkness of nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. I think of that as death if there is no afterlife. I've been questioning my faith recently. Kurt Godel proved using predicate calculus that there is a God. St. Anselm defined God as the greatest being in the universe. No greater being could be imagined. If God does not exist, then a greater being had to be possible to imagine - one which exists. Since it isn't possible, by definition, to imagine a greater being than the greatest being imaginable, God has to exist. And I truly think there is a creator of our universe, the God in the context of physics. A higher being who intricately designed the laws of the universe in which we abide by.

Everything in the universe is fucking amazing and it's sad because we can't explore the vast cosmos with our inferior technology. It's not even an issue of efficiency, it's not like we're going to get better at it. It's not like in a few years we will possess this kind of technology that will make us go faster than light. It's a limitation of physics. We are not meant to explore the vastness of the cosmos. I keep thinking about this and I think we should give up everything that has to do with the universe because we will not be able to explore it. Even if we do discover life on another planet or few new stars/planets, what difference does that make to the human race? Everything in that field (astrophysics, astronomy) is all very theoretical and not very practical. *sigh* maybe we should just give up and focus on humanity.

I feel like as a fellow member of the human race, I have to help people. I want to help our people in some way. I want to further the human race with some great invention of mine. I may be oblivious and I'm not exactly the nicest person but I want to help people. It's like the feeling you get when you want to help someone in your family. That's the same feeling I get when I want to help our people. I rarely see myself as a Filipino and much less an American. I don't discriminate, despite my racist jokes (jokes are jokes to me). Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this post. It's very existential and childish so I'll end it here.

Remember DON'T PANIC (and also 42),
Yours truly,
Allan