future balance

If there's anything that I've learned today, it's that I should always think about the future. Of course, we have our fuck-ups in life and sometimes we think "oh it was unavoidable, it's just life," well I think to an extent, most things can be avoided. And if we try everything to prepare to avoid problems in the future, we can at least say "I tried everything I could to be careful in this situation" and also learn from it so that next time it doesn't happen.

That's the mentality of my brother and sister-in-law. They prepare for the future. My brother got into an accident with his Subaru and the guy called my brother at fault, he was suing us for $200,000. Had that settlement went through, our house and mostly everything in it would've been foreclosed. Now that my brother moved out and he pays for everything, including insurance, he has full coverage. Even though, most of the time, him and his wife are really careful. But in the rare event that a car accident does happen, it has the potential to fuck up your whole life and all your assets.

My mentality about life is: "carpe diem," or seize the day. I don't like to think much about the future, it's daunting, I'd rather think about the present and what makes me happy now. My philosophy is that life's short, let's all do what we want while we're alive and young. Of course, I know I need to think about the future too. But the problem is finding that balance. There's always a balance that needs to be maintained. And I'm always on each side of the spectrum.

What is the point of this blog? I don't really know. But I know that I need to maintain balance in terms of everything and not become too attached. That's the way of buddhism. For example, my brother likes to think about the future, therefore he likes to save all his money for "the future." Well in terms of money also, I need to find a balance of saving and spending. Not exactly a 50/50 balance but a balance of budgeting.

So the moral of today: think of the future, but don't forget the present. Of course the future is of importance and I should prepare, but life is too short and I should do what I want. This is a balance I need to maintain. And not just this but a balance in everything would be better also.

first day of fall 2010

this semester feels really good. i feel i can be cocky this semester and actually back up my cockiness by doing work. it shouldn't be too hard. as of right now, i've only had 2 classes but i'm debating on whether i should take stats just to get my associates. i don't know if it'll be too overwhelming. it'll be a test to see if i can get all my shit together and see if i can handle a heavy load of classes. in an hour i will try to add calc. pretty sad that i can't take physics this semester, i really want to get it over with.

talking to my sister about transferring to UCI has confirmed my decision. i will transfer there as a computer science major. then i will decide once i transfer if i want to change my major to some type of engineering or double major in computer science and computer engineering.

i made a few new friends. a girl named brynna, she seems really nice and she's really cute too. also jennifer who is in my debate class. shes friendly as well and easy to talk to. i've had no trouble socializing with people here. both whom seem great and all but not potential g/f-material.

twentieth birthday

turning 20 feels like any other birthday. i don't get to do anything new. but it's not all that bad. unlike 19, i feel more like an adult. only because i'm not a teen anymore technically. i don't feel any older. i don't mind getting older either. haha i actually can't wait till next year though.

i'm a pretty lowkey person. i hate to admit this, but i like birthdays for the attention i get. no wait, not the attention but rather the friends i get to see. it gives me a reason to celebrate with random friends. that's why i want to have dinner on saturday, my birthday gives me a valid reason to gather up a bunch of my friends to hangout.

i also started thinking about the concept of birthdays. like why are birthdays celebrated and considered special? it's just the day we were born. also for instance, bar mitzvah marks the age of a man. but to me, it's not the age that shows much of a man you are, but rather your actions. to me, birthdays are just another day. nothing really to celebrate. to me, only hard work should be celebrated like graduating college or something. that's kinda why i like to lay low during my birthday.

difference in confidence

what difference would it make if i were more confident? things would seem more natural and i wouldn't be afraid to do miniscule tasks. things such as asking ppl for help, answering/keeping up/not being MIA with friends all the time, getting the job done because i'm afraid to interact with some ppl, hanging out at it's a grind, or panera bread more often, talking on vent/xbox live/ps3 network while gaming, going up to a girl. the possibilities are endless with what i could do with that kind of confidence.

to me, confidence is something you can wear. not everyone has it, but if you do, you look extremely good. confidence is the attitude to not give a fuck. the feeling that you are "on top of the world" and nothing can stop you. confidence is feeling like a million dollars. unconfident people are very awkward, shy, and introverted. while confident ppl are outgoing, fun, and true/honest. if i were more confident, i would be more social with friends and talk more with them. develop a better friendship.

i believe there are a few things that hold me back from being confident. mainly it's the way i look. my body/stature bother me. i don't have the skinny physique to pull off many of the looks i want. i have a skinnyfat body tape. also i believe my face isn't beautiful. i have a short of roundish face and a few acne scars. also my skin isn't as clear and beautiful as most people. also i believe that my voice is high and timid. instead of these beliefs i would rather believe that:
1. my voice is very deep/masculine and very loud.
2. my face is clear and beautiful.
3. i am not fat and i can wear whatever i desire.
for these new beliefs i would have to be more consistent. consistent in terms of diet, exercise, and face-cleaning/hygiene.

Last Person on Earth

What if you were the last person on Earth? Things like the internet and electricity only remain for a week. No zombie apocalypse shit.

It's a fucking interesting question, right? Have you ever thought about it? First day, I'd go on the internet (since it's still there for a week) and research on solar panels (harnessing solar energy), transportation (how to fly planes, drive a boat, etc.; to get me around), and beautiful places/sites to see. I'd archive all that information and save it. Then I'd go out and get me a GTR from the nearest Nissan dealership, go to the Best Buy right next to it and get a bunch of movies and a high-def camera. With this HD cam, I'd record my everyday life. Then I'd go to the West Covina Library and get a bunch of books that would be relevant to me and my journey.

Then I'd make my way up north for San Francisco. SF is a beautiful city. Even without the hustle and bustle, SF would still be amazing. It's one of the places I've always wanted to go to. I would marvel at how beautiful the city is. I think the novelty of freedom would still be fun. Then eventually loneliness would pursue. I know eventually I'd get bored of being lonely. Even if I had animals to interact with. I would try to repopulate/clone. But after I get bored of traveling, my second instinct is to find a way to travel onto the Moon and utilize technology from Nasa in order to communicate with extraterrestrial life. If I don't find anyone within a decade, I'd soon get bored and lonely. Then at that point, I'd probably commit painless suicide by taking a bunch of pills.

This scenario kinda puts things into perspective. There are an infinite combinations of parallel galaxies. Imagine one where one day everything is normal, then suddenly, you become the last person on Earth. Sometimes when we want to withdraw from society, we hate society. But society is great, human interaction advances everyone. Simply communicating and talking to others helps further mankind.

So next time when you decide to be all emo and withdraw from society, remember to be thankful for society. Because you'd rather hate people than be lonely.

hands down, one of the most eventful days ever

this morning i woke up from a few weird dreams. which i vaguely remember. i hardly dream and i know this because when i wake up, there's a lot of that eye goo residue. but anyway, i vaguely remember my dreams. i remember that i was lucid dreaming and that i was flying. i was so fucking scared and it felt real but i knew it was a fake dream. then i dreamt that i was with my ex at AX. both of which i miss to a certain extent.

i woke up dazed and happy. it was bright and sunny this morning. i drove to work. i knew today wasn't going to be hard. we don't have any orders going out till next week and we finished monday's order. it was jorge's last day at work so he choosed what was for lunch, pizza hut due to our strict lunch budget. anyway, work was so-so. the usual racism and gayness continued to pursue. i finally figured out where i want to belong and with who. there seriously needs to be content fillers there because some of the stuff we talk about is either really retarded/gay/racist. we left work early around 2.

i went back home, my cousin was there. my niece also. they basically effed up my room. anyway, just chilled till jorge's going-away party at 4. i went to CVS to pick up some skittles because ken said smirnoff with skittles taste like skittles haha. saw adam and julio there buying shit. said hi and shot the shit for a minute/2. then i made my way to the haith's house.

i got there, i had to park a street away to not make it look conspicuous. we waited till 5 till jorge came with his g/f nicole. it was a beach party and i purposely forgot my shorts so i didn't have to go swimming. but i went anyway, borrowing daniel's shorts. i came in all confident, ready to have fun. but the fact that i couldn't swim really ruined the evening. also the usual shit, but mostly that, which totally threw me off. courtney's kid was a little devil taking away my floaty and i almost drowned. omfg pissed me off. the party was fun, the food was great. everyone was there with the exception of danny and drew.

me, kyle, and ken left around 9:30ish and while they left to go see a friend at robeks, i decided to head home. i was tired, or at least i wanted it to seem like i was so i could leave. i held my head up high and walked out like a champ. haha yay! didn't drink a lot due to my last incident.

went home browsed /adv/, /b/, /fa/, etc. was chatting with a random girl about her situation with her bf. i wanted to do something spontaneous. i hope she doesn't contact me again, she's only 17. i really didn't have much advice to offer, the reason for contacting her was to tell her she was beautiful and hopefully bring her spirits up. in her state of mind, she probably thought i was hitting on her, which was not the case. she asked for my asl and i signed off.

then i went over to /r9k/ and found an interesting thread. ITT was a question. what would you do if you were the only person on earth and a few resources such as electricity/internet only remained for a week. no zombie shit. what would you do? which i will address in another blog probably. really interesting though.

thoughts

- there is underlying tension between me and kyle. despite the fact that he doesn't show up to work for some bs reason about sleeping on a futon and not getting enough sleep, regardless there would still be tension. the reason is because we don't think on the same wave lengths. of course his counterproductiveness at work is hurting us and it does annoy me, but not as much as our difference in humor. i guess i'm just a little jealous of how he can nonchalantly casually talk in a semi-funny way. that is probably the only way he can connect to other ppl and i can't.

- the new guy, memo is a good guy. i learned to get along with him. i do make fun of him because of jorge and i feel like i can because he can. but some of the things he says is interesting. i could learn a thing or two from him. i've learned how to keep my composure and be myself.

- AX this year is going to be awesome, depending on how i see it. i need to be more optimistic, i need to be the "fungi" of the party. i need to stop being so self-conscious and say everything with conviction. i need to stop overthinking everything. fabianne and adura are awesome and i'm pretty sure we can pull off some awesome skits and do some cool things.

- workout or not before i go to sleep. i've been on a roll and i just need to prioritize everything correctly. i'll probably do some hw before i go to sleep and probably run tomorrow morning, then read some hp before i go to bed. hmmmm or will i?!

- oh yeah my room really needs to be clean and i really need to buy some bp. i'm running out. lately i've been letting myself go by eating a bunch of junkfood/fastfood.

knowing infatuation

i appreciate beauty in women, but infatuation rages me. i will not act/do anything in a state of infatuation because i know my perception at that time is a little misconstrued. well at least that's what i want to do, after hearing advice constantly from the people i work with. maybe after at least a few more heartbreaks i will come to terms with this conclusion.

or maybe not, the same way women still go after the alpha male dickheads. don't most relationships start with infatuation, isn't that the base? maybe that's why most relationships don't work out right because the foundation isn't solid or based on something important/strong.

though i wonder what would be a legitimate reason to first hook up with someone. one thing that comes to mind are those internet dating sites, but everyone who uses those is socially inept. also it just seems too forced and planned.

i want a relationship by accident. it's so nice to know that love can be found anywhere. but i realize the chances of me finding a right girl by accident, who fit all my criteria, also a solid foundation is probably literally less than 1 but more than zero. also finding "true love" and staying together, which is a raritiy in itself. the odds are as if playing the lottery. by a boy can dream right?

just came back from church. god dammit, i wanted to say "hi" to felice but i guess our eyes didn't meet at the same time.

anyway, i have a laundry list of things to do for today:
- m/b work
- cs hw
- laundry on the laundry list
- wash car? maybe if i have time
- clean room

and then if i finish everything:
- read some hp
- catch up on guren lagann
- catch up on fma: brohood
- catch up naruto manga (if there is any)
- play mw2

memories

i was cleaning through my room trying to find my nixon watch, but fuck, unfortunately i think i lost it. as i was cleaning through my drawers, i happened to stumble upon something very important, an old letter of some sort. i didn't want to read it, in fear of being emotionally stabbed in the heart and being reminded of everything once again. i had the courage to put it away, then as i was still rumaging through my drawers, i couldn't stop thinking about what it said. i couldn't remember a thing. if i read it, it would remind me of everything, good and bad. so i decided to give it a go, because for every bad moment, there were at least 2 good ones.

so i read it. and it did not illicit any emotions out of me. instead it gave me more closure. i knew at that moment, it wasn't right, we weren't right back then. she won't be known as the one that "got away," and i won't either, no matter how awesome we grow up to be because it wasn't "real." none of it was. we were the most naive sons of bitches ever. i mean seriously. even at my age right now, i still have no idea what love is. it's a bit clearer but still nonetheless confusing.

anyway, i don't know how to end this, or if i actually learned anything that can be related to anyone else. so i guess my point is, that before you go into something, make sure it's the right decision. don't worry about the past or future, or if you guys will still be together or not, but in the present, the moment of things. at that moment in time, you will know and if you do commit, you will not regret because at that moment you wanted it.

every time i see her, it's like a shotgun blast to the heart. every time i see something that reminds me of her, it's like my heart is being stabbed repeatedly. every time i scroll the contact list and come across her name, i'm reminded of all the good times we've had and how we threw it all away. every time i see a status update of hers, i fucking cringe, worry if she's alright, and hope that one day, maybe just one day, we'll be together again.

i was the most vulnerable with her. i let down my walls so easily, the walls of emotion. i let her into my heart, she had access to it. i trusted her. but with that trust also comes the possibility of pain and hurt, which i'm starting to see more as an inevitability than just a mere possibility. how do you cope with this? of course, i can't forget, as hard as i try, something will remind me of her. i will only be fine when i'm not thinking about her.

lol i know this will be extra awesome when i'm sober. but still the rules are to not delete whatever i type. so my thoughts are constant and they might not make sense but that's the whole point. lol so unlocking dormant memories, how cool is thjat? lol, i remembered about the elephant or no wait the fox on the gray background. it's weird, but something in my mind unlocked and i knew it was dormant, but right now i don't know wtf is going on. imagine how trippy it'd be if i were crossfaded fuuuuuck. sooooooo i guess i prefer being drunk than high, but still getting high is pretty awesome. but so many words are overflowing, i remember the last time i did this, it was a bit trippy, lol i always use trippy what word should i use instead? crazie!? but anyway, i remember the last time i wrote down what i thought, the topics/subject did not relate at all. and it was so weird seeing what i was thinking about. hmmmmmmmmm this summer looks awesome already. even though i have work and shit and other stuff and soon school. with the addition of cool awesome plans like going to ax, sd, and a bunch of other shenanigans. lol. it's awesome. i just remembered when high fuckers put on 4chan when they're high and how when i was sober, it didn't mean much to me. maybe, i'm more high than those OPs. damn dude, i thought the cop wanted to talk to us, i was like no wai, i'm not going to go through with this, but this is definitely the first great high i've ever had. it's good because there's no stupid tension and retarded nigger annoying me. lolololol

to give a fuck or to not give a fuck, that is the question

it's almost gotten to the point where i don't care what happens to her and possibly him. all of those complications in the past were so trivial and minimal. no one knew, it was just my imagination and slowly i started turning crazy and i hated them both. but right now, i'm at a crossroads where i couldn't care less, or could care less (i know the former is grammatically correct, but that's not the point). my point is, i either have that potential to not give a fuck or to still care so much about her. i'm worried about her. it's not that i still love her, not that kind of candlelight romance love, but the "i got your back"-kinda love. i guess it's a good thing, i'm making progress. the thing is, i must lose contact with them. it sounds good right? they've already started to disappear slowly but surely. i don't know what the point of this blog is really. only that i've made progress. maybe i'm just hoping that she reads this.

learning from the distant past

it has come to my attention that i still have ways to go when learning from my mistakes. just little things that have come up make me think about my past. and i feel like a really bad person that hasn't progressed much.

i think the funny thing about relationships is when it ends. it's only at the end where you see each side's true colors. how they really are behind the sugar-coated bs of hugs and kisses. then you start to realize what your whole relationship was based on and how you got together. and i can honestly say that i don't deal with breakups very well. breakups are when i'm at my worst. i will cling the fuck on for as long as i can. in the past, i've always tried to look for a constant, something to hold onto. since that particular "event," i've learned that i don't need a g/f to be happy and that the only constant is change.

i've also been a pretty crappy friend. how many true friends do i have? where there is completely no tension. idk. maybe 2 or 3 w/o the bullshit. but in the past, i always tried to cater to so many ppl that i didn't want to upset anyone so i would talk shit behind ppl's backs (mind you this was early hs). but it became a bad habit that i knew i had to learn from this or it'd just keep biting me in the ass. since then, i don't talk shit behind ppls backs. but the bad thing is that, i keep it all to myself and then there's this sort of tension. i need to learn to say whatever i need to say without being a fucking pussy.

habits are always a hard thing to break, but the way habits are created are with repetition, so the only way to break a habit i guess, is to practice it the right way. lol doesn't sound too easy. but i've been working hard on breaking bad habits. like instead of txting, i'm trying to call more. our generation has become accustomed to txting and we're growing socially retarded with each generation. also my study habits are same as they were in hs, pretty much nonexistent. i don't know how i've gotten through college that way, but unless i change my bad study habits, i'm going to seriously fail.

soooo

i had plans to go see a girl named isabella tomorrow, but i can't get a hold of her. so i guess i'll be eating dinner with my family, which is what i should've chosen in the first place. even if i had plans before my family just blantanty shoved them aside. tomorrow we're celebrating the birthdays in june, which include my brother, sister, and niece. it's pretty cool to have all of our birthdays in the vicinity of summer.

i'm totally fine with not seeing her, it's just i was kinda excited. i like making new friends. but it's fine though, it's summer and i totally like the vibe. i don't need a summer romance or anything.

so far, school is going great. today was our last lab and one of my colleagues brought donuts, speaking of which, tomorrow is national donut day. but then barbara didn't show up. she probably went to vegas again. so it was just me and jasmine. special quality time ohh yeeaah. kinda bummed that she's transferring to ucla, but what does it matter anyway? i don't keep in contact with most of them. i'm thankful that i made so many friends this semester. i'm also lucky having 2 of the hottest azn girls as my lab partners. hahaha.

but yeah, it's only a matter of time till summer and i've already become somewhat adjusted to it. although i'm still lazy, i have lots of plans. every summer i have plans to get cut, do something amazing, go places, but i never seem to come through. will this summer change anything? we'll see. i think so.

the wait.

the wait.

nostalgia

listening to all my old songs on my external hdd gives me a nice nostalgic feeling. all these songs remind me of old times. good times. but one in particular is probably special, hellogoodbye's oh it's love. as played out as it is, it's a great song nonetheless. i remember telling her i'd play it for her. but fuck, it also brings back bad memories. she's probably one of my exes that i have the best relationship with now, even though technically we don't hang out. too bad she's moving to norcal now...

empire state of mind

my thin "mighty wallet" was getting fat, i didn't want it to fall apart. so i took everything out and i put it in the bottom of my physics solution manual underneath all my other books.

i had to use my old wallet. oddly enough, after a few days, it felt like "old times." it's like my lucky wallet, except it didn't bring me luck, but instead somehow that old mindset i had in hs, where i felt like i was on top of the world. everytime i look at it though, it reminds me of her. it wasn't mine to begin with. maybe that's why.

nearing the end of sophmore year

so it's almost near the end of the semester and summer is coming soon. i need to work harder than ever to earn summer because it'll feel so more well-deserved. i think this summer i'll be taking 2 classes, csis and bio. i hope i'm not setting myself up for failure. it shouldn't be that hard. bio is online and csis is a hybrid M W class, so i should be able to work more. eh, i can probably work after that class since it's from 8-10 in the morning, i think. i would definitely just take one online class, but my counselor suggested i take csis this summer and i don't know if it's available next winter.

things are going great, school is okay of course, friends are awesome, work is a bit slow, family is the same so-so. i've got nothing to worry about. i have no major problems besides being bored and not having enough money for a car parts. i'm doing fine. i feel content with this semester, having taking some of the hardest classes since i've first entered last year. i pushed myself more this semester than any other and in comparison to others, i look great, but of course when i compare myself to myself and my own standards, i can definitely do better which is what i want. i definitely need to study more for physics. oscillations don't seem bad, but rotational dynamics is a bit of a pain. calculus is alright. splitting integrals of inverse trig functions and implicit derivatives with logs and blah blah.

this summer i have a few plans, not much, but still.

6/? dennis' bday thing
6/17 vegas trip w/ fam
6/29-7/4 AX' 10
7/17 EP crowne pointe meet in SD
7/25? comicon 10
7/28 my bay

also i'm planning to shoot at least one short this summer, it's going to be dramatic. i haven't written a script yet, but it should be good. i'll definitely be playing the piano more with more time to hang out. i want to try new stuff. i want a rode trip, but of course everyone is busy and no one wants to drive, and no one has a job. i hope to build my pc before next fall and i'm going to try to find a few new hobbies, ones that don't destroy my wallet every paycheck.

excited for summer, it should be good this year. but best? i'll soon find out.

adfjladfla

i am frequently annoyed by my family. what the fuck? i'm trying to blah blah blah. and it's so fucking annoying. what the fuck. this is fucking ridiculous. "OH EM GEE." oh please stfu. wtf. i'm so mad, i'm trying to afalkdjflakdjfa;lkdsjf;alkdjf;aldksjf;aldkjf. why can't i just do this in fucking peace? i'm seriously going to murder someone right now.

the "wedge-your-way-in" approach

it always works. i swear. if you want someone to do something for you, you need to wedge your way in. for example, if you want a sc2 beta key, just tell your friend that you want to play it once, then eventually it'll lead to "i'll just play when you're not playing" and then inevitably "it's mine now bitch." first you need to tell them something small, something that'll let you "wedge your way through" into bigger possibilities. slowly over time you can forge your way through to get what you want.

also it's like buttsex. stick it in her butt, at first she'll be like "oh it's in the wrong hole," but you should respond with "no wait, just wait," just keep telling her that and eventually she'll like the idea of buttsecks (true story my friend did this). you need to wedge your penis slowly into her butthole. thus the term i coined, the "wedge-your-way-in" approach.

assumptions

i've come to the realization that i always assume. always and it's a bad habit because it will bite me in the ass later and it usually does. but it's usually small things which lead to big things later. but in general it's just a good habit to never assume and always think of the possible situations. i guess it can be a good and bad thing, more cons than pros though. for instance, one of my exes was young and she didn't go out much, i assumed she didn't have a life and didn't do much. i thought i would have a big influence on her, but not much really. i wanted to have sex with her, but of course with her being the youngest, she learned from her family that she should wait. point is, i thought i knew her, but i really didn't. i made the assumption that i could influence her when in reality i couldn't. that's just one example, but assumptions sometimes get mixed with exaggerations and can become problematic.

anyway, also i've come to realize that i don't like to fix things. i like to leave things the way they are. example 1: hs, i liked to move on to other courses when i failed the previous one. i failed precalc because makrova had a silly uncomprehensible russian accent and she sucked at teaching, but i moved onto mrs. hu who had an even more worse chinese accent and she sucked even more at teaching calculus since it was her first time. i had planned to name more situations but the list goes on. anyway hopefully these realizations/bad habbits will be fixed as i only blog to remind myself of these and reflect upon my day.

hmm

today was alright. not bad, but when it's alright, i think of it as bad. could've been better, but i shouldn't complain. and the day's not even close to over. if i want it to be better, i should do some chores and then go out to see kick ass with some friends. that'll make my day awesome. but anyway, i digress. i was expecting so much more, but maybe too much. at least it wasn't bad. it was just alright.

list of things to do (in order):
- finish physics hw
- study/read book
- watch Missouri lectures
- clean room
- wash car
- organize laundry
- watch kick ass?!
- play ff7, let's do it all fuck!
- read harry potter! hehe

don't say "lazy" (k-on ed)

in retrospect of this lazy day, i'm going to reflect for memory's sake, and when i say memory's sake, i mean my memory. so today was very uneventful and lazy. for gosh sakes, i planned to catch up on physics like crazy, but i stopped midway because i'm a little misdirected as to how to approach it. it's either 1.) i catch up on old stuff by watching univerisity of missouri lectures or i 2.) just start on the fucking hw. so what's it gonna be? my new approach -assuming i get this train rolling- is that i finish my hw first, that way i don't have to worry about anything since i have the answers i can just check it, then relearn everthing else for next week's midterm. sounds like a plan right? well that's only half the battle.

anyway, i digress. about today. this morning i woke up around 5 or 6 and was browsing the usual /r/, /b/, and /s/ hehe. there was an epic info thread, sort of like a motivation but with life hacks and useful information. immediately i became motivated. at the same time, i was of course browsing CL, ephatch and hondatech for parts and such. i PMed the guy selling the works bell lock and i had planned to go to the bank earlier to deposit the money so i can send it asap when he PMs me back. anyway i got caught up on internet again. i got ready as usual. brushed my teeth, washed my face, etc. eventually i did go to albertsons to deposit my money. there was this azn couple, stuck-up and snobby and they took their sweet ass time in front of me while i was waiting. then i went home and sent the payment to h23_del_soul. then my day became long and useless after that, i was waiting for the mail and watching maury/spiderman/people's court in the meantime. suddenly i came across a ad for a 240sx coupe 1989. i shat bricks because it was only for $700. i tried calling the guy and he wasn't avail, but when i did reach him, he already sold the car. :( boooooo. anyway, prior to finding out he sold it, i became excited and i was prepared to sell my: 360, ps3, wii, guitar, and games just to earn that $700. i called my sister for help and she said if my older brother approved then she would lend me the money. *sigh* i was so sad, i had to drive my car around. driving my car is kind of therapeutic er not really, but i do feel cool. correction: driving is not therapeutic, driving my car IS therapeutic. i always drive my car constantly even when not needed to around rowland/walnut/west covina, it's pretty ridiculous actually and i waste gas driving around nowhere. but anyway, i got money from my mom to get food, i decided to go with burger king. why burger king? i dunno, i haven't had it in a while. i haven't had fast food in general because i was sick. still, i haven't gotten back into the swing of things. for some reason, my appetite is pretty limited. but as usual, i'm still indecisive when it comes to choosing what to eat. so after i finish eating, i watch a little bit of tv until the laker game comes on, at which point i go back to my room and wala, here's where i'm at now. oh yeah several times during the day, my laptop died on me so i had to use the family computer.

pretty uneventful and boring right? i just wanted to reflect on my day, for my sake. 'what sake?' you ask. well, memory's sake. that's what. also for the purpose of blogging, i haven't blogged in a while.

blegh

so spring break has finally started and instead of relaxing, it's time for me to play catch up.

i've come to the realization that i've never worked hard for anything. the reason behind this is because i always seem to give up when it gets so hard. on one side of the coin, i feel great for half-assing most of my classes. on the other side, i feel like a complete failure. i feel like a failure because there lies so much potential in my power and it only reminds of how i just gave up during debate most of the time. this is probably why i never feel accomplished most of the time because most of the stuff i've finished are things that are handed to me, or that come to me easily. i want to finish more things and feel greater with more accomplishment. i need that accomplishment. i cringe my teeth while i type this because i know it's true. i don't want to be a failure anymore. i want to get an A in physics and calculus. i've been half-assing calculus and i've been doing pretty good too, but i know i can do hell of a lot better if i attend workshops and go to the math tutoring center. physics has really been "meh." i've been having a "meh wateva"-mentality in that class. i try to concentrate, but i get so fixed up in thinking that lectures are stupid and that the stuff we do there, i can easily do at home. only when i go home and i come to realize that i should've paid more attention in class. i can do a lot better in physics by actually trying to concentrate in class, practicing problems, using the same problem solving skills in real life, and attending SI meetings. it's nice that i have jasmine to copy off of whenever i haven't finished the work, but it's really taking a toll on me. i know it's not helping me and i know jasmine thinks so low of me now. i can't let all my friends in physics help me. i'm drastically falling behind in that class. i hear lectures thinking that the concepts are easy, but in reality i can't utilize those concepts in problems which means i don't understand the concepts fully.

but enough about that. it's spring break, and now it's time for me to do work and kick ass.

what a dick. i'm going to take that with a grain of salt, knowing that i will be more successful in life than you could ever dream. maybe i'm just overreacting, but the fact that we call each other friends and that while i'm there for you whenever you need me, you're never there for me. you don't even answer my calls, txts, etc. what am i supposed to do? then again, maybe it's karma, but the actual reason that made me realize that i need to let you go, was actually quite stupid.

next time you need something, fuck you and do it yourself you lazy faggot. you won't ever amount to shit in life.

sorry to the guy driving the truck on la puente and sentous

omg, i fucking caused an accident. i know they won't find out here. i know i get a lot of attention when i'm driving my car. some try to provoke me and almost usually i never give in, but tonight wasn't one of those nights. on la puente (and sentous), there was a truck trying to overpass me, so i speed up because i didn't want him to cut me off. well unfortunately there was a slow taxi cab going around 5-10mph. so i pass him and i look in my rear view mirror and i hear the screeching sound of brakes and then i hear a crash. i felt so bad just leaving the accident because i partly caused it and an innocent bystander had to get caught in our mess.

i'm assuming he had his eyes fixed on me in his rear view mirror because he crashed into the taxi cab, which i assume he wasn't looking at until he hit it. so either way, that douchebag in the truck would've hit someone. i'm just glad it wasn't me, but i'm sad for the guy in the taxi cab.

i drove off, feeling really bad, flustered, and not knowing what to do. but at the same time, i felt a sense of relief because it's douchebags like those that piss me off and i'm glad he now has learned his lesson (hopefully).

JDM = Jovi Deo Mango (Latin: To Jupiter the Great God)

I've had an unhealthy obsession with cars for the last few weeks. You know you're obsessed with something when it gets in the way of other things in your life. This past Monday after being partially depressed from taking part 1 of my first Physics exam, I jumped on craigslist looking for springs/coils. I found someone in Westminister who wanted to trade his Neuspeed catback exhaust for my stock plus $50. I did research and the Neuspeed has a really nice pur on an EP, also originally it was $600+. I had to fucking jump on this deal asap. I postponed my springs for a catback. The guy I met was probably the most chill car-fanatic guy I've ever met, owning at least 30+ cars, ranging from eks, egs, gsrs, fcs, 240s, s2ks, etc. He ala\so showed me his NSX. This guy has so many hookups, it's fucking crazy. Anyway, he's a really nice Vietnamese man in his late 30s. His story was he bought an EP and it came with the exhaust and his wife was complaining to change it back to stock. He sold his s2k for an EP as a family DD, which I couldn't quite understand as it's not really a family-friendly car.

The next thing to divert me from my suspension operation was a 5-lug conversion from an RSX Type S 2005 for $300. Rarely will I be able to find a 5 lug conversion, and even more rare is that it's up for $300. Actually the guy isn't selling a complete swap, he was selling everything except the rotors and brake pads, but he lowered it to $200. Damn, I was thinking I could use the extra $100 for performance rotors and brake pads. My whole goal is to convert my EP3 to a CTR and I can't rock type R wheels unless I change my lug pattern to 5x114.3

Anyway, my point JDM is awesome as fuck, er wait not, I ugh. My point is that everything should be enjoyed in moderation. To be really passionate about something is to love doing it even whilst working toward your goal -no wait, especially while working towards your goal, not eventually just reaching a point where you think you'll be happy, then stopping. In my case, my goal for my EP3 was to convert it to a CTR, then I figured I'd be done. But some people do these things as a hobby. The thing is, cars are so expensive and I don't have the money nor the time to install a 5-lug conversion, coilovers (pretty easy but I'm a newb), and swapping a k20a import straight from Japan.

SF #1 (sensual feeling)

Ever since I was a kid, I could remember vivid feelings, but not just normal feelings. Feelings of the past that would help me reminisce how I felt. Many things help me feel these feelings. For example old momentos and songs. I think it would be very very helpful if I at least would write this out for my own benefit so I won't forget it, or maybe add to it later.

Right now as I'm listening to 'No Such Thing' by John Mayer, I could cry. The amount of memories that go with this song goes way back. This song came out in 2002, around that time when I was 11. I remember hearing this song way back on the trip home from Vegas (or some long rode trip) and not having to worry about anything. Back then I didn't have to worry about school, girls, money, etc. It's amazing how resentful we are when we're older. How we reminisce about the past and how we could've done these things and how these things should've been done. But in reality, it's what we wanted at that time, so there should be no regrets. Regardless, we are where we are whether we like it or not due to our actions. And even if there was a time machine to help us make the right decisions, how guilty would we feel cheating ourselves just to make ourselves a little more well-off.

This song makes me reminisce all the things that I should've done (or at least could've) during my young years of grade school. In high school, I had absolutely no regrets, it was absolutely fun for my last 2 years and I wouldn't spend it any other way (even though I fucked up academically).

But another moment this song makes me think about is La Seda and the Christmas play, the one where I we sung that annoying Chipmunks song. I wanted to be Alvin, I wanted to be the lead singer. My name started with an A, it only made sense right? Well that's what I thought. It's not just that John Mayer song, but the whole elementary years of schooling is connected with this also. What with all those years of going trick-or-treating with my Dad. I love my parents so much and they don't realize it, they think I hate them.

Basically SF stands for sensual feelings, until there is another term to best describe these feelings, I'll be using SF to describe it. Basically, it's just a rant about the past. But the thing is, I don't want to forget the past. Well at least I want to remember when I'm old. Like really old and I think blogging will still be around. Or else I'll just probably transfer these blogs along the way.

Notes:
- Star Wars/living room
- Fluffy and lola and lolo (I need to see lola asap, I miss her)

Need to Study

In an attempt to end this loathing internet 5-hr session. Blogging reflects my day and today was a good day.

Holy shit, in calculus today I almost fucking broke down. I never realized how tough it is and it's only the second week. But with persistence and a hard-working attitude, I believe I can own that class. Majority of the students there don't understand the material as well either, but for some reason I feel very inadequate compared to most of them.

Physics today wasn't so bad. I thought I would dread it. I have some new friends in Physics haha too bad I forgot their names. Jeff is an honors student and he's pretty smart; I'm guessing he's trying to transfer to UCLA as an engineering major. The thing that pisses me off about him is that he's very smart, it's almost innate. He tries with minimal effort. Jasmine is my lab partner and she's very pretty and nice. At first I thought she was one of those Japanese Foreign FOB students, but she speaks English very well and she doesn't hang out in that crazy weird secluded-AZN circle of friends. Potential girlfriend? So far, I think so.

This semester looks good. This year looks good. Life in general looks good right now. Current girl situation? I don't have one, nor do I want one. Muffin insists on trying to hook me up with some girls at a party soon and I'm down for parties. Adura - now experiencing what sex is since he recently lost his virginity- wants to hook me up with one of his friends that "doesn't have a pancake butt." Apparently she's asian, good-lucking and likes funny guys, but the thing is, he says, is that she's hard to get.

One thing I need to address though is following through with txt and calls. As simple as it sounds, I make it a lot more difficult than it really is. Yesterday, I really wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone and I was loathing practically the whole day. That was probably the lowest I've been in a while, only because I hadn't been outside for a day.

Also another thing, these blogs lately have been very incoherent and messy. I'm not taking the time to actually put thoughtful meaningful interesting things. Rather, I've become the norm, you know, like the blogs that usually reflect the typical school day and whatnot. In other words, to people actually reading this, it's boring, so stop reading it.

Untitled Yet Again

Art is a beautiful amazing wonderful thing. There are so many forms of art which amaze me: film, digital, photography, paintings, music, etc. I'm so fascinated with art and I want to attend an art school. Although what can I do with a degree in art? At one point I aspired to become an artchitect, whether it be landscape, buildings, etc. Architecture has always fascinated me and the way things are constructed and how they fit so well especially in big cities such as downtown LA and NY's time square. It all looks so wonderful to me. My point is, I appreciate the beauty in almost everything and I love art, but unfortunately I don't think I can pursue my dream of becoming an artist because I don't think it'll be stable and reliable. I do call other art majors out and say it's retarded, but the thing is I freakin' love art. But I'm stern with my decision, I'm going to major in Computer Science and Engineering. I figure I can do so much more with a degree in CS&E and science and math appear to be equally if not more beautiful than art. Everything in math fits together so well and well, it's pretty straightforward to say the least. I'm 19 and I'm still unsure of what I want to do. For those that also unsure of what they want to do: don't fret, enjoy the ride; try everything, learn everything. The most interesting people I know are the ones that don't know what they want to do.

I have passion for technology and I believe it'll help us in the future. A big part of my decision to be a computer science major is that the need for technology will no doubt be growing in the future. Network database managers also make bank. I love technology, I think it's beautiful. I'm analytic, I love math, I hope I'm making the right decision. But one thing is for sure, I can't turn back now. If I don't like it, I'll try something else after I get my B.S. in CS&E.

Untitled 2/11

In an attempt to make myself sane, I'm going to update. This new year is .... different, and I like it. I've been working more than last year. More work = more money = more things to do. But not just that, school is EZPZ right now and I'm doing great. Friends? It's a different situation though. You win some, you lose some. I don't want to say I've lost some friends, but just that I haven't seen them in a while. Some friends, I choose not to. But there's an exchange: I've been hanging out with different people and I like it. Reason being why I don't hang out with particular people is because I act fake around them. I want to be more genuine, more real, even if people don't accept it. I need a group of friends that are also genuine. Habits, gestures, etc. of friends rub off and I don't want to hang with the wrong people. In 2 weeks, I start a new semester and it's probably going to be one of the best. I've discovered where I'm strong at and I've developed an environment in which I can work more productively. I've also learned to fuck women (not literally), but I've developed a mentality where I don't give a fuck about women and I'm not expecting anything. It's sooo great because instead of thinking and dreading about not having someone, there's soo much more to do. Another thing, with the help of my D90, I've learned to appreciate the beauty in almost everything, despite my noob photography skills. So all in all, I've learned so much and I think I'm improving as a person. I hope I can become better and make more friends.

Youngest

I love being the youngest. It has its perks, but it also has its downsides. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. Growing up being the youngest, I've grown up with a sense of entitlement. This mentality stems from learning the fuck-ups of my siblings, asking for advice, and relying on my family. But with these advantages, there's disadvantages. I learn from all of my siblings' mistakes and fuck-ups, but by doing this, I never actually learn myself. For example, if someone (besides you) touches a hot stove on settings of over 9,000 and they tell you it's hot, then most likely you'll be reluctant to touch it and thus learn from their mistake. You'll never feel how hot the stove is (who would want to?), but by learning yourself, it seems much more of a stronger foundation of knowledge. People make mistakes, then they learn from mistakes. That's just life. What's life without mistakes (don't get me wrong, I've had my own set of fuck-ups)? Another advantage of having other siblings is that you can ask them for advice on a lot of things. For instance, I've asked my brother numerous times, on things on photography and cars, only because I've gotten interested in those because of him. I also joined band because he did. I feel like my interests aren't really mine. I feel like I don't have my own sense of identity. All of my family have a profound influence on me (esp. the older ones). One of the greatest perks of being the youngest is that you can rely on them from time to time(well my family is reliable and we're always there for each other). I feel like I don't have to try at all sometimes because I can always rely on them. For the record, this is probably one of the worst qualities I possess. I don't really rely on friends that much, with the exception of Franz and Muffin (car problems) and Derek and Fabianne (I know I can rely on them. BTW you guys are awesome). The point is, I feel like I rely too much on my siblings. This is what motivated me to write this. Yesterday I had problems with my car and long story short: I need wheels ASAP. So I relied on my brother to look on hondatech and CL for me. Of course I could've done this myself (amongst many other things), but being the youngest -and this is probably the worst disadvantage- is that my family treats me like a child most of the time.

Self Revelation

I'm a lazy bastard. Let me rephrase that I'm a self proclaimed lazy bastard. Once again, not right, lemme rephrase yet again: I was a self proclaimed lazy bastard. I always felt no matter how well I was doing, I always felt it wasn't good enough for whomever. It was until I realized that it was my self-deprecating attitude which brought me down. If I'm in a optimistic mood, then I'm more likely to get things done. At a time in my life which is so different (more work, less school), there's not much that I can do right now, but I kept beating myself up for what I was not doing, rather than improving on what I am doing. I'm doing great right now. I'm making a good amount of money. School isn't too stressful right now. Why do I always feel productive?

I started thinking about this when I was doing my HW. I was always unproductive and I would always have that sense of "oh-shit-i-gotta-get-this-done" mentality at the back of my mind. It occured to me that I had to replicate my work environment because I am sooooo productive at work (no sarcasm). The reason why I'm so productive is because I work with great people who reinforce a positive attitude towards me. I feed on from this positive attitude and forge on through the day.

Lesson of the day for you kids, be positive, no matter how bad the situation is. Even if you have no working car, friends, your dad hates you, and you are doing shit in school(lol not me, a friend of mine actually), smile and keep your head up high.

Necessary Evil

There are some things in life that you must give into. Social networks is one of them. You must give into social networks, if you don't have to, but they are a necessary evil if you are to stay connected with all your friends. I realize that I'm not as connected with my friends when I'm not relying on txting, twitter, or facebook. It's pretty sad actually because it's not just on my part, but theres also. Since I've started this defragmentation only one person has called me and that has been Fabianne; that's only because he's also defragging his life. Unfortunately, I haven't been outside since my Kwanzaa celebration as Adura's dorm. I am losing faith in myself and humanity. We are relying too much on technology for our relationships.

My friends have still been sending me useless txt messages that don't matter, thus I don't call them, but they probably think I don't find them important. Slowly but surely, my friendships will people are deteriorating. I absolutely need to txt! But it's alright, I can manage. I just need to stop being a pussy and call people. Since I started this 3 days ago, I've called 3 people. Adura, Danny and Kyle. Fabianne called me once when I was driving, I forgot to get back to him. I need to connect with these people. I don't really seem interested in hanging out with Fabianne, only because well, it's Fabianne. I don't want to spend money, I don't want to waste my time, I don't want to do bullshit and pick up on my friend's bad habits of eating unhealthy (despite their efforts of trying to lose weight, which is fail).

On top of everything, I've been having dreams about her. I don't know why, but I definitely shouldn't be thinking about her. This shit has to stop. I will be seeing humanity tomorrow (or at least some of it) at school. Thank goodness.

Twenty-ten FTW! Happy New Years!!!

Originally I had already written a blog post about my woes from 2009, but I decided that I shouldn't post it due to a lot of personal information. I had written a lot about relationships and how I've made new ones and strengthened old ones. A relationship is reciprocal, meaning both parties must put in some effort. If I don't make that effort to be your friend, obviously I'm not interested in being your friend. Though there are a few exceptions though. For the sake of blogging, I'll write letters addressing these people who I'm afraid to actually confront (for personal reasons).

1. Dear Sammi,
I'm terribly sorry I haven't been there for you. We haven't talked in a while and when you approached me that day, I didn't seem very interested. It was sad to hear from you because it seemed like you weren't doing well. I sincerely hope the best for you in the future and I hope you find "the one."

2. Dear Autumn,
It's great how we started to get more into our lives through social networks. I haven't had a real conversation with you since my freshmen year when I met you at Vans Warped Tour. I'd like to talk to you more, but unlike 5 years ago, I choke up when I talk to you now. Back then you were the insecure shy girl, but now, you're perfectly beautiful and adequate. Too bad you had to move to Nevada, but hopefully we will hang out in January. I just hope I summon the courage to be cool in front of you like I did when I first met you.

3. Dear BFFITWEUAB,
I'm glad we started talking again. I hope this means we're ready to really become friends. I think I told you that I was going to visit you, but I couldn't and I didn't want to upset you so I didn't tell you. I was waiting for you to get back to me actually. I really want to be friends and I'm not looking for anything. It's just I don't want to come off the wrong way. I seriously miss you.


Salutations Sincerely,
Allan

Life Defragmentating

Since New Years, I've started my defragmentation. Defragmentation -like in computing- moves chunks of information and makes it viable and easy to access. Social defragmentation was started by John Mayer, it includes not using any social networking and texting for the first week of New Years. This helps revitalize the mind and helps many to reconsider using it. It's the first day and I've already been more productive, well not really, but more productive had I been using social networks. I've also quit TV, but it's pretty inevitable in my house, so I've had a rule of thumb, not to choose the channels. In regards to texts, I will respond back by calling. I've decided that blogging, not tumbling (or tumblring) is more healthy, in terms of staying away from the whole social-network thing. Tumblr is a live feed like Twitter and Facebook and is considered microblogging like Twitter. This means that everyone can read and see everything you post, this encourages many users to post complete and utter useless crap in order to receive attention from their friends.

Although I use this blogger much like a diary (personal and for myself), I sometimes like to think I have some sort of audience. If you read my blog, tell me somehow.