Stuck

Yesterday was an unexpected trip. And as usual, I didn't feel like socializing at all. I was in deep thought about myself and the universe. I felt like everything in my life was ordinary, like there was nothing particularly interesting about myself or where I'm from. And then suddenly Fabianne started talking about how he feels behind because everyone our year is graduating soon. I feel like he's not going to get anywhere at his rate. But then I started thinking about people in general and how most of the interesting people in life don't get very far. That's not to say they are not successful. What I mean is, is that they vary in interest and they don't know what to do. That doesn't seem the case for Fabianne though because he knows what he wants to do but he's not pushing himself. Then I started thinking about the universe and the possibility that there might not be anything after this life. The thought of that scares me so much because -as awkward and shy as I am, I may not show it, but - I love life. Life is the greatest thing ever and -contrary to popular belief- I think it's precious and rare in our universe. I honestly don't think there are any intelligent life more advanced than ours in the universe. Everyone and everything in the universe started at the same time. The time where nothing became something- the big bang. We all had equal time to evolve. The sheer thought that nothing is after this life is daunting, it's truly scary to me. Close your eyes for a second and try to imagine a huge vast darkness of nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. I think of that as death if there is no afterlife. I've been questioning my faith recently. Kurt Godel proved using predicate calculus that there is a God. St. Anselm defined God as the greatest being in the universe. No greater being could be imagined. If God does not exist, then a greater being had to be possible to imagine - one which exists. Since it isn't possible, by definition, to imagine a greater being than the greatest being imaginable, God has to exist. And I truly think there is a creator of our universe, the God in the context of physics. A higher being who intricately designed the laws of the universe in which we abide by.

Everything in the universe is fucking amazing and it's sad because we can't explore the vast cosmos with our inferior technology. It's not even an issue of efficiency, it's not like we're going to get better at it. It's not like in a few years we will possess this kind of technology that will make us go faster than light. It's a limitation of physics. We are not meant to explore the vastness of the cosmos. I keep thinking about this and I think we should give up everything that has to do with the universe because we will not be able to explore it. Even if we do discover life on another planet or few new stars/planets, what difference does that make to the human race? Everything in that field (astrophysics, astronomy) is all very theoretical and not very practical. *sigh* maybe we should just give up and focus on humanity.

I feel like as a fellow member of the human race, I have to help people. I want to help our people in some way. I want to further the human race with some great invention of mine. I may be oblivious and I'm not exactly the nicest person but I want to help people. It's like the feeling you get when you want to help someone in your family. That's the same feeling I get when I want to help our people. I rarely see myself as a Filipino and much less an American. I don't discriminate, despite my racist jokes (jokes are jokes to me). Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this post. It's very existential and childish so I'll end it here.

Remember DON'T PANIC (and also 42),
Yours truly,
Allan

it hit me hard

i was rejected by email from sfsu for not having a gpa higher than 3.0 which is pretty embarassing. on top of that, i get home and there's a rejection letter from slo. great, my day cannot get any better. on top of all this, i have a calc test tomorrow, work tomorrow, and a physics problem set due on friday. i'm just about done with school. as easy as it seems, i don't think school is for me. i don't have the attention span nor do i have the determination and willingness to compete. this is just really fucking sad. 3 years ago, after i left high school, i promised myself that i would get into ucla. i remember after watching and hearing "so much better" from the legally blonde musical that i would accomplish my dreams, MY FUCKING DREAMS, of going to a great university. fast forward 3 years now and i'm nowhere even near my dreams. i'm in danger of getting accepted to cal poly and i didn't even prepare any backup schools. great. just fucking great. i feel like a fucking a failure. you cannot begin to imagine how much fail i feel right now. after 3 years of getting horrible grades and barely making it by in school -not even in honors- i have nothing to show for it. i have no real hobbies, i haven't done anything serious with computers or programming. i'm nowhere near closer to my dreams of becoming a programmer. what am i fucking doing? what the fuck am i doing? seriously. i've never tried once in my life. why can't i try to do something for once? like honestly try and put in 100% effort. i can't do that. my attention span is so fucking short. i've been berated in the past and i'm being berated again my colleges not wanting me. great now my attitude isn't even in alignment with the universe, how am i going to get accepted to cal poly now? i'm just a fucking mess right now. i don't know how to prioritize my life. i complain about how i never have time to do hw, but then when i actually do i'm just fucking sitting here surfing /g/, tumblr and facebook.

i seriously need to grab life by the reigns and steer this motherfucking horse in the right direction. life fucked me. life has fucked me. i need to fuck it back. i'm all talk. i can't even tell anyone about my shitty 2.8 gpa. it's so fucking horrible. i can't even try anymore. and i pretend to know about calculus, physics, and programming as if i'm some kind of fucking genius. i can't just sit here and cry all day.

things i need to do:
1. meditate more
2. sharpen my focus
3. stop going on tumblr, facebook, and 4chan
4. stop thinking/talking, start doing
5. ask questions in class. even if my questions are stupid. the most stupid ppl are the ones who don't understand but pretend to. you cannot fool yourself into thinking your're one of those lazy geniuses who sleep in class but ace tests.
6. study 24hr a day if i have to.
7. stop hanging out with self-destructive ppl and start hanging out with more successful ppl.

Inspiration

it seems the older i get, the more i realize that my heroes aren't as great as i've made them out to be. and i've come to a point in my life where i'm not getting any younger and i'm at my prime. my 20s are supposed to be the best years of my life and they definitely are going to be. as i get older, i'm soon starting to realize that i might become like my heroes. as if that's a good thing; more like fallen heroes. i know there are people that look up to me. i can't disappoint. i want to live up to my dreams. if i can inspire someone to do something, even if it's the most trivial thing, then that'll make my day.

such a fucking downer

i hate pessimists. i hate depressing people. i hate people with tons of problems in their life. i hate it when people bring me down with them. i hate it when people rely on me when they have so many other resources.

why do you rely on me so much? i know you have problems/issues at home, but you're old enough to deal with it on you own. how are you in a pinch? why is it that you need to learn to drive manual? it's not that you need to, it's that you want to see me. i find that fucking weird and eccentric beyond anything. i know you just want to get out of your house. so why don't you fucking do it?! fucking pussy. you're 20 now. goddamn why can't you do things for yourself.

granted i know this won't solve all my problems, but i wish i could fucking move already.