Obstacles

"Difficulties are growth stimulators" - Rev Run

These words help me realize that obstacles are easy to overcome and make me stronger. Equivalent exchange? For my benefit I must be overcoming all my difficulties, for it'll make me stronger in the long run. Those people who will remain lazy and compare themselves to others (who are lazy), pride themselves are being the best of the worst. I don't even want to compare myself to the best of the best because that's way too high. I want to compare myself to my own standards. By comparing myself to my own standards, I am improving in every way possible at a rate that is comfortable. These difficulties, I crave them. Fuck you obstacles, you're nothing. I'm developing this habit in the making; a habit where I crave obstacles only because they're hard. I hope I can keep up with this in 2010.

Eternal Sunshine

Yesterday in my half-awakened stupor, I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. In addition to me being sick, feeling like crap, insomniatic (is that even a word), I felt high. Watching Eternal Sunshine was like WTF. Seriously I felt like I was in a trance or a dream. Anyway, the movie was great. Basically the plot was about a couple who tried to erase each other from their memories. The plot wasn’t just centered on them, but the implications of erasing someone from your memories. Before this movie came out, a lot of people would’ve wondered how it would be to erase someone from their memories and how it could actually make their lives better. This movie goes through the implications of erasing someone from your memory and how difficult and painful it can be. Even though it’s not possible to erase someone from your memory, the movie goes through many of the different circumstances and effects of it. As if it isn’t enough to create confusion, not only does Clementine try to erase Joel from her memory, but Joel tries to erase Clementine from his memory. Also, one of the technicians who does the procedure on Clementine tries to make her fall in love with him from the belongings of Joel. The doctor who does this type of practice also falls in love with his secretary and they rediscover their –lack of a better term- spark for each other. And it’s all just so confusing. Finally at the end of the movie, it begs the question: If you had the chance to do it all over again, would you? Let me rephrase that: If you had the chance, would you do it all over again, even if you knew it wouldn’t work out? Watching Eternal Sunshine made me greatly appreciate the times I’ve shared with people and how –even though sometimes I want to forget about them- I’d rather keep those memories, the good ones and the bad ones.

Sickness

I'm sick and this fucking sucks, but on the bright side, being sick gives me a reason to bum around and do a lot of reading.

H&A

Lately, or maybe for quite some time, I've been looking for another job. I watch things like The Office and I imagine myself having a job like that, having fun with my co-workers and doing stupid nonsensical shit everyday. Now I was just looking for jobs online, but then I paused and stopped. I then proceeded to think how I take my job for granted. For those of you who don't know (who reads this anyway? seriously), I work for my brother's mother-in-law who happens to be Japanese. Her name is Shigemi Haith and she's a dog-lover. I work for her and her company known as Haith and Associates. Since she's a dog-lover, she exports American dog food and accessories to Japan. My job is to sticker and cover labels on these dog foods to prevent a lawsuit or some sort(correct me if I'm wrong). American dog foods make outrageous claims with no scientific evidence. For example, Nutro claims to make dog fur coat healthier and shinier, but with what proof? Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to make my point: I love working there. I love my co-workers. I love Mrs. Haith and the food she cooks for us. I love making $12/hr. I love working whenever I can without the hassle of obligation. I take things like this for granted and as a first job, it's pretty damn awesome. I don't even get taxed from my paycheck since it's under the table, but then there's the risk of liability (but that's another issue that'll be solved next year). My co-workers are -for lack of a better term- old, or at least older than me. Most of my co-workers are 25ish and above and they're all characters. I've been looking for a job so I can have experiences like that of The Office. But the thing is, I have that already. My boss treats us like they do in Japan and that's an awesome thing. I love where I work and I'm going to regret the times I've had at H&A later when I get a new job; a boring job at a lame retail store such as Starbucks or H&M. The thing is, I won't form those kind of bonds with others that I have with my current co-workers. I know this because we see each other a lot, we all work hard, we all try not to disappoint each other, and we aren't afraid to ask anything from each other. I look up to every single one of my co-workers. I guess the point of this blog is to let those that I work with know how much I appreciate working with them.

Recreating Memories

I always thought that I could never recreate memories or feelings that I once had, but it just became more apparent to me. This may be due to many reasons. Tonight I was listening to my old playlists on shuffle and it brought back good memories. For some reason, when I listen to old music on a deeper level, I start reminiscing about the times when I was listening to said music. For example, 'The Academy is - About a Girl' reminds of times with Sammi :( (God, how I wanted to sleep with her so bad. It's too bad she was bi and she lived in Florida). But that's besides point, the point is, old songs bring back memories -good or bad. Before when listening to Hare Hare Yukai, it brought back memories of AX' 06 (Holy shit, 2nd best year of AX where I was a hxc up-to-date otaku at the time) and I would try to recreate those feelings with the same AX crew, but it never really seemed to work. I don't know what made me suddenly realize this, but it seems that when you try to recreate a feeling it just ends up as a fail. Now with that, I think that it's better to create new good feelings without trying to do the same old stuff. I may sound completely retarded realizing this 19 years after birth, but I guess it's better to learn late than never.

500 Days pt. 2

It's weird how fast you can forget someone by loving someone else. And don't assume that it's only in the situation of overcoming a heartbreak because although that's the case in most situations, there are different situations also. You love something more, it replaces the other, it's as simple as that. Although the movie, 500 Days is a story about love and how realistic it is, I don't think it was realistic enough. Yes, it is harsh to assume that love is just fantasy, but isn't it also equally immature to think that there is destiny and that love only comes when you meet the right person. Those are the two extreme views of love, but if I were in the love-view spectrum, I'd probably be in the middle. I think love is definitely different for every person and there's no one-size-fits-all-defintion. Also, although love is not fantasy, life goes on, and in most cases love fails, love does exists, but it is very rare. Love isn't something that you feel, it is a work of countless trial-and-error, it is one of the hardest things to find, that is true love is the hardest thing to acquire these days. Also I don't believe in destiny though I do believe that God has a plan for everyone, it isn't predestined. For life to be predestined is to assume that there is no free will, if there is no free will, how can God judge our actions (assuming He exists) if he already knows what we do in life? I believe there is free will in most decisions we make.

500 Days of Anything (or rather anyone)

500 Days of Summer was a great movie. It accurately portrays what "love" is and how hard it is to define "love." For those who are lucky and haven't experienced turmoil and heartbreak yet, they may not be able to relate, but for us who have been emotionally-shattered till months on end, we'll find it enjoyable. The movie is told in an unconventional way where it skips days of the relationship between Summer and Tom. Another thing that I loved about the movie is Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. Holy shit, Zooey Deschanel is too fucking cute for her own good and Joseph Gordon-Levitt dresses like a boss. He makes me want to get a Hitler-youth haircut (hmm I am overdue for a haircut).

"Dad, I'm Homosex"

"What would you do if you woke up and your friend was sucking your dick?"

Okay first of all, I'd push said friend off my dick (or maybe they might as well suck my cum out since they're already there, naw that's just gay) and I'd be mad for 3 reasons. First of all, I'd be mad for the sheer gayness and when I mean gayness, I mean homosexuality. I am homophobic to a degree. Secondly, I'd be pissed because if they were my friend, I would expect them to tell me they were gay. I have no problem with gay people, but a friend keeping a secret like that is just back-stabbing and also shady. Thirdly, I'd be mad because my friend is sucking my dick. MY DICK! Without my express permission. That's violating my rights and I would not be cool with that.

Newfound Respct

A night that will remain memorable. I have newfound respect and I hope they feel the same for me. I consider myeslf mysterious because I'm not as open and outgoing. I always thought that I watched what I said, but apparently not, and I probably am just super fucked up. As kiddy and elementary as it sounds, we shared secrets. I hope they know more of me now and that our friendship(s) strengthen. I'm making a big deal out of this because I told them my life story, well most bits anyway.

Anyway, this day will live in infamy, but we'll probably forget about it one day, but our respect for each other with still live on and also our friendships. Yeah, as corny as it sounds, but this is for the sake of blogging (or is it? probably not).

Bittersweet Rose Thorns

I'm just a sore loser. I don't mean to deprecate myself, but I need to realize this and I need to plow through it. Why is it that whenever something like this happens it just taints me for the longest time? I am like a newfag on /b/ thinking that it's cool to carouse /b/ until I stumble upon dicks, CP, or gore. That's the point where I become devastated, but then I become sensitized to it and I move on. Maybe even to the extent where I even forget about 4chan together. That's actually a really bad metaphor, but I thought it good because of the sensitization, where it symbolizes a situation that I will overcome sooner or later. The only thing I'm worried about is how long this is going to affect me.

Arrrghhh, it just feels so bittersweet. I just don't know what to expect out of the situation. I seriously think they're fucking with me and I don't know how to react. Up until now, I didn't care, I didn't want to have anything to do with ***. WTF, such a buzzkill, not to mention the situation where they met again. What am I supposed to do? There's a reason why things overcomplicated themselves. We didn't match up. Simply put, our personalities didn't match up and there's nothing I can possibly do to fix the situation. So I left it alone, forgot about it, then *** tries to acquaint again. I can't trust ***. We cannot be comrades any longer without one of us trying to achieve the impossible. Seriously even if we both wanted it, it could never happen. In an ideal world, we should, we could, we would. Our **** would be stronger than an event horizon of the strongest degree. We would go over the event horizon and around, that's how strong our love would be. I swear it. In an ideal world. Sadly, this is not the utopia that I had in mind. I cannot express how angry I am with you trying to associate yourself with my companions. Sorry this is the only way. Depressing really, but there's nothing I can do.



Things to consider. Thanks Molly.

Public Productiveness

It's weird how more productive I am when I'm in public. It's like I don't want them to think I'm lazy or something. Or maybe I just want to seem studious. Whatever it is, it is helping. I tend to get more work done studying at a big table with others can see me as opposed to studying a tiny periodical.

There's a guy that plugged his iPod near me since it was the only outlet available and he keeps coming back and looking at me like I'm a suspicious guy. I am not suspicious. I'm wearing a fucking cardigan and minding my own business (wait what does a cardigan have to do with.. idk). Oh yeah and the new foreign Japanese students are quite funny. I see a lot of them carrying Forever 21 and American Eagle bags. Or maybe I'm just productive when others around me aren't.

I just fucking aced my math final. I shat all over it, killed it, then proceeded to rape it vigorously. Fuck yeah. That sounds a little odd and creepy. My next final is in approximately 27 minutes and I have to print it out since it was just a take-home final. I hope my debate teacher doesn't make it stay for an hour to discuss what we thought of the class.

Abnormal Fix

Ugh copious amounts of homework and also finals this week. Tomorrow should be EZPZ though because for my math class, it's going to be like any other test. Also for debate, we're just turning in our take-home finals. Last weekend was sooo -for lack of a better term- abnormal. It's not that it didn't feel right or that I couldn't adjust, but it just felt abnormal. The only thing I didn't like was that I was (and I still am) sick. My sleeping patterns were more fucked up than usual and on top of that I was studying at random with weird breaks in between. I haven't seen my friends in a while and they probably hate me right now, though they should understand, well the ones that can. I know what they're thinking. Fabianne is probably like "Dammnit Allan, answer your phone! We got a gig on Wednesday! Let's collabe already" Then Muffin's like "FUCKING ALLAN MAN, FUCKING DOESN'T ANSWER HIS PHONE AYE?" Then Derek would be like ".. wait, no he would understand because he's a nursing major. Franz would be like "fucking Allan man, I'm finna beat your ass. Answer your phone! I found ep3 springs on craiglist for $100 yo." Adura would be like.. oh wait, he'd understand also because it's also finals week for him. No, but if Adura didn't he'd be like "hey bro. watchu doin? cum to mah dorm. lol." Justin -who wants to study with me- would be like "o shit, im fucking fucked. im not going to pass philosophy so i might as well take down allan with me by asking him to studying with me even, then ill just be a huge distraction and ask him to get schnozed with me." Then Kyle would be like "hay, were r u?!1 u ther? whos drivin 2 work 2moro?" And I'll stop there because I can't do everyone.

Hmm, trying to register for winter, but there are no classes available. Also the classes that they do offer are not what I need. I don't want to have a 2 month winter break because then I'm going to be adjusted to the indolent life of a lazy bum. I don't want to be lazy or else my mind will deteriorate into shit.

Geez, my English and grammar are shit right now. All this studying with finals and crap has really gotten to me. I haven't been able to relax. I can't fucking wait till this week ends. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. It's 12:35 AM, I should be going to sleep right now. LIKE RIGHT NOW. Final tomorrow @ 8AM.

You're probably reading this, maybe, maybe not, but look, I have no animosity towards you, neither do I care about our relationship, if you can even call it one. Though I'd like to apologize for what happened a few days ago and how awkward you must've been.


Anyway, wish me luck tomorrow, whoever is reading.

In a Blog, Things to Avoid

1. Please type properly

"typin shorthand liek dis is great an all but wen it cums 2 skoolwork, dont u type properly?!"
So you might as well type properly now so you don't have to switch between retard and proper. And by proper I mean: correct spelling and good grammar. I can stand no capitalization, but words being misspelled and YOU KNOWING THAT THEY'RE MISSPELLED is the worst. Spelling "come" as "cum", I know someone who does that and doesn't realize that cum is jizz, or he probably does but doesn't give a fuck. Please, for the love of God, type properly, for my sake and yours.

"BuT aLLaNxAeStEhTiCz, I tYpE lIeK dIsH tHo"
WTF, that makes it more time consuming and it looks even more -for lack of a better term- retarded.

2. Please no music
Really no matter how great your music is, we don't want to listen to your shit. We'd prefer to listen to our own music, thank you. What is the point really? That was one thing that I hated about myspace; going to people's pages and having to turn off their shitty reggaeton.

3. Please post more meaningful blogs and less faggotry blogs
Now when I use the term faggotry, I mean unnecessary blogs. Well what constitutes an unnecessary blog? Unnecessary blogs include: long conversation reblogging, your paper cut problems, cheesy love shit, etc. Meaningful blogs include blogs that will inhibit some sort of reaction, not just from your friends, but will reach out to other people who will like it. Try to make it as -for lack of better terms- professional, web-article-ish, and publication-like as possible.

Now with that said. Take my words into consideration and go on blogging.

Good or Bad?

Well finally, someone to challenge my pseudo-intellectualness. I really shouldn't be adding anything that everyone already knows. But I do try to introduce another level of complexity that is comprehensible via slang and shitty 4chan memes that I don't even use. Definitely it is a good thing, but I try not to compare it to myself. For sure I'm progressing and that's enough for me. I don't want to get into specifics in fear that they actually would read this.

ROFL, was just talking to Adura about school. I led the conversation to the anticipatory arrival of winter break and he told me he was working on Christmas day. He also said he was working at another Ralphs in Fullerton. Then I brought up April Fools and the prank that we pulled on him. He seemed mad and said "yeah watever your talking about" and signed off.

Hmmmm what else. So my sister passed out. I was worried, but later realized that she passed out at work. She works at a hospital, what place better than to be injured than a hospital? Amirite? Anyway she was having contractions. Though it is early in her stage of pregnancy, my mom later explained that while pregnant and under stress, contractions can occur.

All Nighter

(a picture to break the monotony of my boring posts)
I started this blog as something personal, something only for me, but even though I still write these blogs all proper and for lack of a better term publication-like-ish. In the hopes that if someone does find this blog that they'll at the least find it interesting, but that's not the point, it's for me to recount personal things in my life. I'm not trying to hide anything anyway.

Finals Next Week

Anyway finals are next week for me and despite all the BS, I think I'm ready. But whew, when I think that I end up not preparing adequately and that I can acknowledge. Therefore I have to study everything on my list. I've made a list of things to study for. So far, it's been going pretty well. I just hope this time, after taking my finals, that I'll be satisfied. Because I hate that feeling of after the semester of not feeling satisfied, I mean I'm fine with getting a bad grade as long as I've tried my hardest. There's not much I can do in that situation. But for me, I get so-so grades with little or no effort and I know I have more potential. That's what gets me upset. But there's no one to blame but myself. MOTIVATION MOTIVATION MOTIVATION! Where is it at?!

Feel pretty confident about my math final, despite bombing my last test. Most of the mistakes were minor and just little things. Philosophy? I can easily BS stuff and I already have adequate knowledge without even studying because I believe myself to be a philosopher. But if I want to rape the final, I need to study. Debate is a take home final. Fuck yeaar! As far as I know, all I have to do is write a policy debate, argument only. Holy shit, the last 2 debates were today. Fucking epin. Both had their moments. It reminded me of an anime. Everyone on debate has special talents and different ways to present their material. FUCKING EPIN, is all I can say.

Things to Look Forward to During Winter Break

- Trip to SD? I don't want to drive though.
- Big Bear trip next week. Jason rented out a cabin. Still contemplating whether I should go or not because it is in the middle of finals for me, but I can probably handle.
- Party at Adura's dorm? So he says. Most likely will pussy out though and it'll just be a GNI (Guys Night In).
- New Years trip: Vegas or SD. I vow for SD, only because it's much more family-oriented. And because I'm not 21 yet. But it is a family trip, so what's the point?
- Haith Associates party on the 19th, I believe. Sounds fun since Kyle and I are theyoungest workers there.
- Build my command center PC named GlaDOS

Public Speaking Skills Vs. Argumentation Skills

I've come to the dire conclusion that I suck at debating. Debate is made of 2 parts, one is public speaking and the other is argumentation. My partner made this evident to me as she sucks with her argumentation skills but is a really good public speaker and will spew bullshit out of her mouth with confidence. Now which is better? A person with good points that he cannot get across or a person that says bullshit with 100% confidence. I'd say the latter, but what good are those points if he cannot get them across? In retrospect of my lastest debate, I was the affirmative #1, so I set up the whole debate basically. For my reconstructive speech, I had 7 minutes, I had too much to say and went over it. Now I won't get into the details of the debate since that'd take up too much time, but my partner didn't even go over my points and thus introduced new information into our solvency. WTF. In the middle of my rebuttal, I just gave up. I couldn't do it. The negative called us out on so many topicalities and I had a fucking laundry list of problems to address on my legal pad. LITERALLY FUCKING 2 PAGES OF THINGS TO SAY. I couldn't have possibly gotten it within my 3 minute time limit and thus would not be able to get my point across. So then I was like "fuck it, we're not going to win, might as well not try." I couldn't even rely on my partner.

But in a more broader sense, my public speaking skills not only suck in debate, but I think also in personal relationships. As sometimes I cannot get my point across. But in debate, (I also forgot), between public speaking skills and argumentation skills,, there's something to connect the two and that is critical thinking. I lack critical thinking and public speaking skills. The ability to think on the spot and be witty. I'm working on that right now and I am getting better. How am I working on that? Ha, just stupid shit like flowing and mock debates with my close friends.

Christmas Spirit!

It's December now and I'm excited. This season has to be one of the best, overall, especially compared to last years. Last year was so dreadful and sad. I had to deal with one of the worst breakups ever. I consider it my first because out of all the flings and relationships, this one hit me hard. But we all learn from our relationships. I just hope that I don't have to repeat the same mistake several times until I actually figure it out. Even though it was established that it wasn't my fault. But enough of last year.

The holiday season in general is so jollyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! The lights, presents, christmas specials, toys, gifts, cookies, hot chocolate, friends, family, etc. Everything about Christmas is awesome and I love it. And so do many others. But why?

For me personally, I don't like Christmas because of the gifts. Gifts and presents are all fine and dandy, but ultimately are only materialistic and have little or no effect on my attitude or happiness. I've realized this ever since I was a kid. And it's not because of the Christmas specials that we all grow up with that teach us the cliche that Christmas is not all about presents. Well maybe that played some significance, but I learned that what I get/ receive for Christmas is a short term effect on my attitude. For example, I remember in high school when I didn't get anything particularly special, just clothes. I wasn't mad or anything, I was fine with just getting clothes (that was before I didn't like clothes). It never affected me in the long run and that made me realize that I wanted more things that I actually needed. Things that were more useful than some video game, movie, or CD that would probably collect dust in a few weeks anyway. Things like thermals, socks (which I desperately need), hypoallergenic bed sheet covers, an hdmi cable (feel free to get me these things because these are things which I currently need/want for Christmas).

Another reason why many hold Christmas to be special is because they find time to spend with friends and family. For me, this isn't the main reason why I particularly hold Christmas to be special, but it is a huge perk. I love spending time with my family, but I spend time with my family ALL THE TIME. Why is it so special during Christmas? I remember this being a cliche theme in the Rugrat Jewish special, I think, I don't remember actually. The point is, many believe Christmas to be sacred for this reason, spending time with loved ones. So therefore Christmas isn't particularly special because I get to spend time with my loved ones (imo anyway).

So why is Christmas so special to me? I don't necessarily care about the presents. The time I spend with my loved ones is not just during Christmas, it's all year-round and therefore not special. It's not because I give instead of receiving or whatever cliche Christmas theme you can think up. It's because during this time of the year, it's the time of year that I don't stress out as much. It's that time where I'm free from school and I don't have to worry about that bullshit and I can just sip my hot chocolate with no worries, watch Christmas specials, create Christmas playlists, play it super loud around the house, bake cookies, and then stay up til 4 talking bullshit with my siblings, etc. It's because I don't stress out as much. I find December, or more accurately winter break, to be the most calming, soothing, joyful, jolly time of the year just because of NO FUCKING FINALS TO WORRY ABOUT.

Torn Between Worlds

I have been indoctrinated -since birth- to believe in God. But the more I learn about Astrophysics and Physics in general, the more I test my faith. I can't live like this. I am torn between two worlds. I'm particularly interested in the string theory and quantum mechanics. A unified theory to explain electromagnetism, weak forces, strong forces, and gravity all in one. Something that Einstein failed to finish when he died. Is the string theory possible? Is there a theory of everything? The more I find that it is hard to pursue, the more I want to pursue it -as crazy as it sounds-. I have never been known to be a math wizard or someone that seeks truth, but this time, JUST THIS TIME, I want to pursue it. Many physicist are ridiculed for studying theoretical physics. What's the point? We're onto something, I know it. I know that Einstein's work wasn't in vain, there must be some truth to it. And in 1984, the whole string theory was revised and proved. 496 was the number. What happened to all the anomalies? I want to know these things. But I want to be a truth seeker, not just a scientist. But to achieve this goal, I have to realize the truth, I have to throw away my faith. I have to throw away everything that I've believed since birth. Is that the only way? It goes against what I believe. I am torn between two worlds. I like to hold onto my faith, it gives me sanity, it gives me something to hold onto, it gives me a constant in my life, it gives me ethics. God (personal God), please, if you exist, show me, give me proof. If not, God (Einstein's version), let me pursue the truth of our world and universe beyond. Einstein once said that "The most incomprehensible thing about our world is that IT IS COMPREHENSIBLE." There is a possibility for everything, no limitations. If there's a will, there is a way.

Running Away

I had a debate today which I thought was on Thursday. There were so many problems and we really didn't give a fuck, but still I tried my best with what I had, well no not really. First of all, my partner needs to coordinate with me more, wtf, we lost this debate because of her. I just fucking gave up in the middle of my rebuttal and people were laughing (wouldn't blame them, I would probably laugh too if I saw someone like myself up there). My constructive speech wasn't that bad actually but it went over the 7 minute time limit and i didn't even finish my last sentence. I had a laundry list of problems that I had to address because my partner did not reiterate my points and added new information to her proposition. I kind of gave up in my rebuttal because I wanted to avoid sounding like a dumbass, but I did sound like a dumbass anyway. I was TOO FUCKING FED UP WITH SHIT BY THEN. ugh everything was stressing me out at that point, not to mention my really bad public speaking. critical thinking ftw, or maybe in my case ftl. i'm so embarassed, but i'm not sad or mad. I realized that I like to avoid situations a lot, I need to think more critically in order to make me more witty and on my feet. confront things from the get-go so i won't have to later on. oh yeah anthony smith, you're a gay fag. end of story. kthanxbai.

Thanksgiving Break FTW

I'm at Adura's dorm right now. It's nice that he's letting us sleep over. I know for sure I wouldn't do the same, I owe him one. Just in case I forget, I'll remember from here. Soo yesterday my debate teacher said that my paper lacked detail. That got me thinking that I lack detail in general. I don't talk much, I just say what matters. I don't want to open my mouth and say stupid shit. Also I try not to act as stupid as possible. For example, my friends will be talking about a mexican riding a bike near Molca Salsa and they will be bagging on that nigger constantly with obscure detail. I won't add much to that conversation. I don't add much unless it's relevant to me somehow, or it's a big issue in today's world. I guess that's a good thing, but I need to TALK MOAR! I've yet to brake out of my shell. WTF man?!

Though on a much unrelated note, I also figure that I need to think critically more. Things that help are blogging (of course, daily ramblings, not the usual tumblr articles), flowing, and always thinking of funny situations. Blogging releases all of my thoughts. The private blogs at least. I'm always worried about what I say or what I do. I'm afraid of what people will think of me. Or that they'll think that I'm not funny or cool. I try to avoid all of that by not opening my mouth unless it's imperative or important. For example, if my friends are talking about medical shit, I won't be tempted to jump into the conversation because I know that I don't know shit about it, also it's not directly relevant to me. Also I'm just shy as fcuk. I'm afraid to admit it too because sometimes I believe I really am the "cool" one. Wow that was a ramble. Flowing of course helps because it helps me organize my thoughts and sound cool and think on my feet. When I flow, I focus on a subject and I am actively thinking to try to find words that rhythm, also finding words relevant to the subject at hand. This is why a lot of rappers are English majors and they're also debaters.

adfkajdlfkajdkfblahblahblah tiadflakdjfaldkjfa;lkdf i don't even care ajkldjalk these thoughts are not organized so yeah hm i liek this song for sure. but i don't know the words. hmmm these are definitely sex songs, or songs to make love too. but i wouldn't want to have sexual intercourse with a girl with a guy singing the song, weird no? if it's a cheesy r&b song, even worse. ugh. music during sex is definitely a no. would it help amp up the sexualness? probably, but for my preference, i wouldn't want it playing in the back. but this song may prove me wrong.

Off Beat Day

Today was more eventful than usual. Woke up late this morning. I was supposed to go in to esna at 8:00, woke up at 8:34 AM though. Co-workers and haith family are pretty chill. Left at around 12:00 to go home and get ready for my meeting at WCU with Fabianne and Muffin. The meeting at west coast was alright. The school and nursing in general do not spark any sort of interest. My only motivation for doing nursing is money and also it's only 3 year, plus I can do it with Fabianne and Muffin (has its perks). Downside is that I'd fucking hate it probably (doing nursing) and paying off the $100,000 loan. Our advisor/counselor was pretty fucking annoying. It was alright until she called me the shy one. WTF makes people instantly think that I'm the shy one. In comparison to fabuffin, yes. Okay, so I lied about my GPA, but she said even that wasn't good enough. Although the building is nice and the people are nice (can be nice anyway), I don't like the vibe there. IDK why I'm fucking complaining. Though I don't think it'd be for me. Ultimately, I'd want to do something that I love, while helping others. I don't mind stressful situations, hospitals don't have a good vibe. At least to me anywayy. Surguries, deaths, injuries, what else? Those are all negative situations. The only positive thing in a hospital is birth. Birth is a good thing indeed. If I were to work in a specific area of a hospital, it'd be birth, for sure. Then blah blah blah, day went on, etc.

Okay, so I still haven't broke out of my shell. It's a work in progress. WTF am I supposed to do. Complaining ain't going to do shit, though I should at least address my problems. Thinking and responding critically are things I'm so-so at, maybe not even so-so, maybe just really bad. But before I can address that, I have to brake out of my shell, which essentially means to be comfortable, open, and a regular converser. I do think before I open my mouth, which may be a good thing, but also a bad thing. I tend to not spew stupid shit, "tend", which means still I do say stupid stuff. Also, this makes me a quiet person because I'm actively thinking. Thinking part, good, being quiet, bad. So I think I pretty much answered my question. I should be more conversing and talkative because I still say stupid shit, but now people will know me and my personality a little more. Okay, so now that that's out of the way, let's get to critical thinking. Typing out things makes me be more comprehensive, that is, being able to be more understandable while getting all of my thoughts out. Blogging feels good, therapeutic actually. Things to make me more critical in thinking: flowing/rapping, saying what I feel before thinking about how to word it, and? I also feel intimidated kind of with so many people that "have" the potential of being funnier and/or smarter than me, which has its perks.

I'm Still Alive (if you're wondering)

Yes, I'm still alive, if you're wondering. I still do think about you. I still think about what we could've been. I still think about why we ended it. Obviously it wasn't our love, but it was the fact that "we could'nt love each other more than we already did." You missed me so much, that you spent so many nights crying over me. But if something so trivial got in the way of our "love", then it wasn't "love" after all. Even knowing that, I still wonder if you're okay. I still wonder if you'll grow up to be good like you said. I still wonder about us. I just want you to know if you're okay. And I want to let you know that I'm okay too.

fall has fallen, winter has withered, and spring is springing

the grass isn't greener on the other side. where i am , it's the same. maybe i'm just color blind. they sit there on their stilts living, breathing, the sky is their limit. why am i just here? i have dreams too. one day, we'll meet again, and we'll relocate to the east. and i'll do what i do best, that's my dream.

EDIT: 12/5 FAILED ATTEMPT TO BLOG/WRITE POETICALLY AND ABSTRACTLY (is that word) LIKE BLOGGER C.YUE (love her btw)

What drives you?

A few minutes ago, I was pondering: "What motivates me to do what I do?" I think what motivates me is pride. I do things for myself because it makes me feel good. The feeling of accomplishment just makes me feel great. And the same can be said for the opposite, I hate feeling unprepared. Just one LITTLE thing can throw me off, like forgetting to do an assignment. Like I'll be having a great day, then I'll be stressing out about something that I have to do. During my day, I'll be thinking of that thing the whole day, concentrating only on that, not being able to enjoy my day fully.

Also, something I was thinking about hardxcore music. It fuels me in a weird way, it's weird. I don't listen to it that often anymore. I miss being "that post kid". Listening to it makes me pumped up, I don't know why. I also feel usually happy listening to hardxcore especially since I haven't listened to it in a while. I remember in high school how I'd flail around and scream on trash cans, "DOOOM!". Listening to hxc music made me confident in an eccentric arbitrary way.

Anyway, I know these posts aren't exactly coherent and are maybe a bit nonsensical, but I'm a nonsensical fuck, so it works out. My point is to find what drives you, and hold onto it, use it to your advantage.

8th Blog

Sup Guise!

Yeah this is probably my 10,000th blog. I think the reason why I wrote blogs in the first place was for attention and not for the sake of writing. This is my own blog and I don't intend to tell anyone about it, if someone finds out then whatever, I don't care if they keep up with it or not. I don't want the pressure of captivating people and trying to make my blogs and my life seem more appealing than they really are. So therefore, fuck it.

From now on, my blogs aren't intended to contain any coherent idea.

Kthanxbai,
allanxaesthetics