Rehab

I'm just going to go off the dome. I need to vent.

Today, there was a weird chain of events where I was psyching myself the "fuck" out. I was talking to my best friend and I started thinking that she didn't want to talk to me. I self-consciously started thinking about the outcome of our chat and expected her to react a certain way. I didn't get that reaction, thus I wasn't happy and I thought about the "worst" possible outcomes (of what she was thinking). I stopped talking to her for a while (about 2 hours) and I fucking didn't want to talk to her anymore at that point. I wasn't mad or sad. I was just frustrated. I felt like she was changing the topic too much because I wasn't interesting. But that obviously wasn't the case.

Anyway, not to dwell on the negative. She honestly does care about me, she's the one who initiated conversation.

Now let's focus on how not to fuck up in this situation again. What can I do to avoid me psyching myself out and thinking about things too much. First of all, I need to assume that her intentions are always well. I need to give her the benefit of the doubt. It does no good thinking people's intentions are bad. If you believe someone's intentions are bad, you start thinking negative thoughts and you start treating/reacting to them negatively; it's like a negativity rabbit hole. Ergo, give them the benefit of the doubt. You'll do good things regardless of the outcome or their reaction and it keeps you in a positive state of mind. Another thing to do is to not react to others, I probably could've avoided this situation altogether by not reacting to her. It's way easier said than done. But I think I should think of the situation as if the most positive thing has happened. That way, I don't have any expectations (due to them being fulfilled in my mind).

tl;dr Don't look into things too much. And don't react to others, just do your own thing.

On a weird compelling side note: This person is very important to me. It's sad to say that I rely on her reactions a lot; so much it's like I'm addicted to her like a fucking drug. I need to stop that, it's unhealthy as fuck. But I can't. The weird thing is, I don't have any intention of hooking up with her (or at least I don't think I do). Sappy cliche shit like this makes me cringe so hard, but I love her very much. I love her in an unconditional brotherly kind of way. Our relationship is like the sludge in the back of your refrigerator. It's like black or green and it smells. But it's also cohesive (seriously what is this thing in the fridge, it's stronger than super glue).

Lowest Low?

Lately, I've felt distanced from a certain group of people. This group of people I cannot entirely categorize, but this group contains many people from high school. Before, I thought that people in general were annoying and fake. I will admit that to some degree (notice I said "some degree" because at heart I am an extrovert) I am an introvert and I enjoy doing things alone and having some quiet time. I had come to the conclusion that most people are stupid. Stupid, in the sense, that they are a filth to humanity and an overall burden; fake and annoying people. I began to change, however, when I realized what I wanted to be like (which social person to emulate). Soon, I began to get friendly with people in my classes. There was a sliver of hope, my faith in humanity was restored when I began to think of genuine fun people. The type of social person that I wanted to be. Not the fake kind like the uncategorized group of people that I had mentioned earlier.

That night, my brother informed me that we have to do the "car shuffle". As I was helping him move closer to the end of the curb, I began looking at the sky. I began looking at it and wondering about the universe and all the things we (humans) don't know. Then it hit me. It literally (well not literally) hit me like a bus. I went into this sort of dazed state, the same state that I do not enjoy when I am high. I began to think that life was not beautiful and I began to not care about things. I felt frozen like my usual "high" self, but I wasn't high. That's the weird part. This feeling that I cannot describe is almost "suicidal", it really is. Because usually, I think of how beautiful life is, but when I'm in this "state of mind", I begin to not care about things. Like I truly, do not give a fuck about anything when in that state.

Other possible potential factors that could've affected me are the "fruit snacks" under my bed. There might be some slight feng shui thing that is affecting my energy. Then I read about it, then soon I didn't care because I am not afraid of the "fruit snacks" under my bed. And I don't think that it will ruin any relationship of mine. Though I should probably remove it just in case. Honestly, I tell myself things I want to hear, but deep down in my gut, it's not true. I am a very contradicting person. The problem is me not backing myself up when I tell myself the things that I want to hear. The problem is me not believing myself when I say those things because deep down, I somehow think I cannot attain those. But that's not the case. I certainly can and I certainly will. Also, I was thinking that my sudden mood change might have been because me switching my model M to my filco. Sounds weird, but I feel I should document that here.

Okay so realization time, here's what I plan to change about myself. I am going to become social and relevant. I am going to be genuine, if there's something that I disagree with, I will at least call it out and argue my opinions/beliefs. After all, relationships aren't interesting unless there's fighting/arguing (like anime). I am going to tell jokes that I think are funny. I will filter myself, but at the same time I will take risks. Other things that I'd like to change include: reducing time on 4chan and using the computer less. If I use the computer less, I will have more time to do other things such as hang out with people.

Stuck

Yesterday was an unexpected trip. And as usual, I didn't feel like socializing at all. I was in deep thought about myself and the universe. I felt like everything in my life was ordinary, like there was nothing particularly interesting about myself or where I'm from. And then suddenly Fabianne started talking about how he feels behind because everyone our year is graduating soon. I feel like he's not going to get anywhere at his rate. But then I started thinking about people in general and how most of the interesting people in life don't get very far. That's not to say they are not successful. What I mean is, is that they vary in interest and they don't know what to do. That doesn't seem the case for Fabianne though because he knows what he wants to do but he's not pushing himself. Then I started thinking about the universe and the possibility that there might not be anything after this life. The thought of that scares me so much because -as awkward and shy as I am, I may not show it, but - I love life. Life is the greatest thing ever and -contrary to popular belief- I think it's precious and rare in our universe. I honestly don't think there are any intelligent life more advanced than ours in the universe. Everyone and everything in the universe started at the same time. The time where nothing became something- the big bang. We all had equal time to evolve. The sheer thought that nothing is after this life is daunting, it's truly scary to me. Close your eyes for a second and try to imagine a huge vast darkness of nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. I think of that as death if there is no afterlife. I've been questioning my faith recently. Kurt Godel proved using predicate calculus that there is a God. St. Anselm defined God as the greatest being in the universe. No greater being could be imagined. If God does not exist, then a greater being had to be possible to imagine - one which exists. Since it isn't possible, by definition, to imagine a greater being than the greatest being imaginable, God has to exist. And I truly think there is a creator of our universe, the God in the context of physics. A higher being who intricately designed the laws of the universe in which we abide by.

Everything in the universe is fucking amazing and it's sad because we can't explore the vast cosmos with our inferior technology. It's not even an issue of efficiency, it's not like we're going to get better at it. It's not like in a few years we will possess this kind of technology that will make us go faster than light. It's a limitation of physics. We are not meant to explore the vastness of the cosmos. I keep thinking about this and I think we should give up everything that has to do with the universe because we will not be able to explore it. Even if we do discover life on another planet or few new stars/planets, what difference does that make to the human race? Everything in that field (astrophysics, astronomy) is all very theoretical and not very practical. *sigh* maybe we should just give up and focus on humanity.

I feel like as a fellow member of the human race, I have to help people. I want to help our people in some way. I want to further the human race with some great invention of mine. I may be oblivious and I'm not exactly the nicest person but I want to help people. It's like the feeling you get when you want to help someone in your family. That's the same feeling I get when I want to help our people. I rarely see myself as a Filipino and much less an American. I don't discriminate, despite my racist jokes (jokes are jokes to me). Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this post. It's very existential and childish so I'll end it here.

Remember DON'T PANIC (and also 42),
Yours truly,
Allan

it hit me hard

i was rejected by email from sfsu for not having a gpa higher than 3.0 which is pretty embarassing. on top of that, i get home and there's a rejection letter from slo. great, my day cannot get any better. on top of all this, i have a calc test tomorrow, work tomorrow, and a physics problem set due on friday. i'm just about done with school. as easy as it seems, i don't think school is for me. i don't have the attention span nor do i have the determination and willingness to compete. this is just really fucking sad. 3 years ago, after i left high school, i promised myself that i would get into ucla. i remember after watching and hearing "so much better" from the legally blonde musical that i would accomplish my dreams, MY FUCKING DREAMS, of going to a great university. fast forward 3 years now and i'm nowhere even near my dreams. i'm in danger of getting accepted to cal poly and i didn't even prepare any backup schools. great. just fucking great. i feel like a fucking a failure. you cannot begin to imagine how much fail i feel right now. after 3 years of getting horrible grades and barely making it by in school -not even in honors- i have nothing to show for it. i have no real hobbies, i haven't done anything serious with computers or programming. i'm nowhere near closer to my dreams of becoming a programmer. what am i fucking doing? what the fuck am i doing? seriously. i've never tried once in my life. why can't i try to do something for once? like honestly try and put in 100% effort. i can't do that. my attention span is so fucking short. i've been berated in the past and i'm being berated again my colleges not wanting me. great now my attitude isn't even in alignment with the universe, how am i going to get accepted to cal poly now? i'm just a fucking mess right now. i don't know how to prioritize my life. i complain about how i never have time to do hw, but then when i actually do i'm just fucking sitting here surfing /g/, tumblr and facebook.

i seriously need to grab life by the reigns and steer this motherfucking horse in the right direction. life fucked me. life has fucked me. i need to fuck it back. i'm all talk. i can't even tell anyone about my shitty 2.8 gpa. it's so fucking horrible. i can't even try anymore. and i pretend to know about calculus, physics, and programming as if i'm some kind of fucking genius. i can't just sit here and cry all day.

things i need to do:
1. meditate more
2. sharpen my focus
3. stop going on tumblr, facebook, and 4chan
4. stop thinking/talking, start doing
5. ask questions in class. even if my questions are stupid. the most stupid ppl are the ones who don't understand but pretend to. you cannot fool yourself into thinking your're one of those lazy geniuses who sleep in class but ace tests.
6. study 24hr a day if i have to.
7. stop hanging out with self-destructive ppl and start hanging out with more successful ppl.

Inspiration

it seems the older i get, the more i realize that my heroes aren't as great as i've made them out to be. and i've come to a point in my life where i'm not getting any younger and i'm at my prime. my 20s are supposed to be the best years of my life and they definitely are going to be. as i get older, i'm soon starting to realize that i might become like my heroes. as if that's a good thing; more like fallen heroes. i know there are people that look up to me. i can't disappoint. i want to live up to my dreams. if i can inspire someone to do something, even if it's the most trivial thing, then that'll make my day.

such a fucking downer

i hate pessimists. i hate depressing people. i hate people with tons of problems in their life. i hate it when people bring me down with them. i hate it when people rely on me when they have so many other resources.

why do you rely on me so much? i know you have problems/issues at home, but you're old enough to deal with it on you own. how are you in a pinch? why is it that you need to learn to drive manual? it's not that you need to, it's that you want to see me. i find that fucking weird and eccentric beyond anything. i know you just want to get out of your house. so why don't you fucking do it?! fucking pussy. you're 20 now. goddamn why can't you do things for yourself.

granted i know this won't solve all my problems, but i wish i could fucking move already.

future balance

If there's anything that I've learned today, it's that I should always think about the future. Of course, we have our fuck-ups in life and sometimes we think "oh it was unavoidable, it's just life," well I think to an extent, most things can be avoided. And if we try everything to prepare to avoid problems in the future, we can at least say "I tried everything I could to be careful in this situation" and also learn from it so that next time it doesn't happen.

That's the mentality of my brother and sister-in-law. They prepare for the future. My brother got into an accident with his Subaru and the guy called my brother at fault, he was suing us for $200,000. Had that settlement went through, our house and mostly everything in it would've been foreclosed. Now that my brother moved out and he pays for everything, including insurance, he has full coverage. Even though, most of the time, him and his wife are really careful. But in the rare event that a car accident does happen, it has the potential to fuck up your whole life and all your assets.

My mentality about life is: "carpe diem," or seize the day. I don't like to think much about the future, it's daunting, I'd rather think about the present and what makes me happy now. My philosophy is that life's short, let's all do what we want while we're alive and young. Of course, I know I need to think about the future too. But the problem is finding that balance. There's always a balance that needs to be maintained. And I'm always on each side of the spectrum.

What is the point of this blog? I don't really know. But I know that I need to maintain balance in terms of everything and not become too attached. That's the way of buddhism. For example, my brother likes to think about the future, therefore he likes to save all his money for "the future." Well in terms of money also, I need to find a balance of saving and spending. Not exactly a 50/50 balance but a balance of budgeting.

So the moral of today: think of the future, but don't forget the present. Of course the future is of importance and I should prepare, but life is too short and I should do what I want. This is a balance I need to maintain. And not just this but a balance in everything would be better also.