thoughts

- there is underlying tension between me and kyle. despite the fact that he doesn't show up to work for some bs reason about sleeping on a futon and not getting enough sleep, regardless there would still be tension. the reason is because we don't think on the same wave lengths. of course his counterproductiveness at work is hurting us and it does annoy me, but not as much as our difference in humor. i guess i'm just a little jealous of how he can nonchalantly casually talk in a semi-funny way. that is probably the only way he can connect to other ppl and i can't.

- the new guy, memo is a good guy. i learned to get along with him. i do make fun of him because of jorge and i feel like i can because he can. but some of the things he says is interesting. i could learn a thing or two from him. i've learned how to keep my composure and be myself.

- AX this year is going to be awesome, depending on how i see it. i need to be more optimistic, i need to be the "fungi" of the party. i need to stop being so self-conscious and say everything with conviction. i need to stop overthinking everything. fabianne and adura are awesome and i'm pretty sure we can pull off some awesome skits and do some cool things.

- workout or not before i go to sleep. i've been on a roll and i just need to prioritize everything correctly. i'll probably do some hw before i go to sleep and probably run tomorrow morning, then read some hp before i go to bed. hmmmm or will i?!

- oh yeah my room really needs to be clean and i really need to buy some bp. i'm running out. lately i've been letting myself go by eating a bunch of junkfood/fastfood.

knowing infatuation

i appreciate beauty in women, but infatuation rages me. i will not act/do anything in a state of infatuation because i know my perception at that time is a little misconstrued. well at least that's what i want to do, after hearing advice constantly from the people i work with. maybe after at least a few more heartbreaks i will come to terms with this conclusion.

or maybe not, the same way women still go after the alpha male dickheads. don't most relationships start with infatuation, isn't that the base? maybe that's why most relationships don't work out right because the foundation isn't solid or based on something important/strong.

though i wonder what would be a legitimate reason to first hook up with someone. one thing that comes to mind are those internet dating sites, but everyone who uses those is socially inept. also it just seems too forced and planned.

i want a relationship by accident. it's so nice to know that love can be found anywhere. but i realize the chances of me finding a right girl by accident, who fit all my criteria, also a solid foundation is probably literally less than 1 but more than zero. also finding "true love" and staying together, which is a raritiy in itself. the odds are as if playing the lottery. by a boy can dream right?

just came back from church. god dammit, i wanted to say "hi" to felice but i guess our eyes didn't meet at the same time.

anyway, i have a laundry list of things to do for today:
- m/b work
- cs hw
- laundry on the laundry list
- wash car? maybe if i have time
- clean room

and then if i finish everything:
- read some hp
- catch up on guren lagann
- catch up on fma: brohood
- catch up naruto manga (if there is any)
- play mw2

memories

i was cleaning through my room trying to find my nixon watch, but fuck, unfortunately i think i lost it. as i was cleaning through my drawers, i happened to stumble upon something very important, an old letter of some sort. i didn't want to read it, in fear of being emotionally stabbed in the heart and being reminded of everything once again. i had the courage to put it away, then as i was still rumaging through my drawers, i couldn't stop thinking about what it said. i couldn't remember a thing. if i read it, it would remind me of everything, good and bad. so i decided to give it a go, because for every bad moment, there were at least 2 good ones.

so i read it. and it did not illicit any emotions out of me. instead it gave me more closure. i knew at that moment, it wasn't right, we weren't right back then. she won't be known as the one that "got away," and i won't either, no matter how awesome we grow up to be because it wasn't "real." none of it was. we were the most naive sons of bitches ever. i mean seriously. even at my age right now, i still have no idea what love is. it's a bit clearer but still nonetheless confusing.

anyway, i don't know how to end this, or if i actually learned anything that can be related to anyone else. so i guess my point is, that before you go into something, make sure it's the right decision. don't worry about the past or future, or if you guys will still be together or not, but in the present, the moment of things. at that moment in time, you will know and if you do commit, you will not regret because at that moment you wanted it.

every time i see her, it's like a shotgun blast to the heart. every time i see something that reminds me of her, it's like my heart is being stabbed repeatedly. every time i scroll the contact list and come across her name, i'm reminded of all the good times we've had and how we threw it all away. every time i see a status update of hers, i fucking cringe, worry if she's alright, and hope that one day, maybe just one day, we'll be together again.

i was the most vulnerable with her. i let down my walls so easily, the walls of emotion. i let her into my heart, she had access to it. i trusted her. but with that trust also comes the possibility of pain and hurt, which i'm starting to see more as an inevitability than just a mere possibility. how do you cope with this? of course, i can't forget, as hard as i try, something will remind me of her. i will only be fine when i'm not thinking about her.

lol i know this will be extra awesome when i'm sober. but still the rules are to not delete whatever i type. so my thoughts are constant and they might not make sense but that's the whole point. lol so unlocking dormant memories, how cool is thjat? lol, i remembered about the elephant or no wait the fox on the gray background. it's weird, but something in my mind unlocked and i knew it was dormant, but right now i don't know wtf is going on. imagine how trippy it'd be if i were crossfaded fuuuuuck. sooooooo i guess i prefer being drunk than high, but still getting high is pretty awesome. but so many words are overflowing, i remember the last time i did this, it was a bit trippy, lol i always use trippy what word should i use instead? crazie!? but anyway, i remember the last time i wrote down what i thought, the topics/subject did not relate at all. and it was so weird seeing what i was thinking about. hmmmmmmmmm this summer looks awesome already. even though i have work and shit and other stuff and soon school. with the addition of cool awesome plans like going to ax, sd, and a bunch of other shenanigans. lol. it's awesome. i just remembered when high fuckers put on 4chan when they're high and how when i was sober, it didn't mean much to me. maybe, i'm more high than those OPs. damn dude, i thought the cop wanted to talk to us, i was like no wai, i'm not going to go through with this, but this is definitely the first great high i've ever had. it's good because there's no stupid tension and retarded nigger annoying me. lolololol

to give a fuck or to not give a fuck, that is the question

it's almost gotten to the point where i don't care what happens to her and possibly him. all of those complications in the past were so trivial and minimal. no one knew, it was just my imagination and slowly i started turning crazy and i hated them both. but right now, i'm at a crossroads where i couldn't care less, or could care less (i know the former is grammatically correct, but that's not the point). my point is, i either have that potential to not give a fuck or to still care so much about her. i'm worried about her. it's not that i still love her, not that kind of candlelight romance love, but the "i got your back"-kinda love. i guess it's a good thing, i'm making progress. the thing is, i must lose contact with them. it sounds good right? they've already started to disappear slowly but surely. i don't know what the point of this blog is really. only that i've made progress. maybe i'm just hoping that she reads this.

learning from the distant past

it has come to my attention that i still have ways to go when learning from my mistakes. just little things that have come up make me think about my past. and i feel like a really bad person that hasn't progressed much.

i think the funny thing about relationships is when it ends. it's only at the end where you see each side's true colors. how they really are behind the sugar-coated bs of hugs and kisses. then you start to realize what your whole relationship was based on and how you got together. and i can honestly say that i don't deal with breakups very well. breakups are when i'm at my worst. i will cling the fuck on for as long as i can. in the past, i've always tried to look for a constant, something to hold onto. since that particular "event," i've learned that i don't need a g/f to be happy and that the only constant is change.

i've also been a pretty crappy friend. how many true friends do i have? where there is completely no tension. idk. maybe 2 or 3 w/o the bullshit. but in the past, i always tried to cater to so many ppl that i didn't want to upset anyone so i would talk shit behind ppl's backs (mind you this was early hs). but it became a bad habit that i knew i had to learn from this or it'd just keep biting me in the ass. since then, i don't talk shit behind ppls backs. but the bad thing is that, i keep it all to myself and then there's this sort of tension. i need to learn to say whatever i need to say without being a fucking pussy.

habits are always a hard thing to break, but the way habits are created are with repetition, so the only way to break a habit i guess, is to practice it the right way. lol doesn't sound too easy. but i've been working hard on breaking bad habits. like instead of txting, i'm trying to call more. our generation has become accustomed to txting and we're growing socially retarded with each generation. also my study habits are same as they were in hs, pretty much nonexistent. i don't know how i've gotten through college that way, but unless i change my bad study habits, i'm going to seriously fail.

soooo

i had plans to go see a girl named isabella tomorrow, but i can't get a hold of her. so i guess i'll be eating dinner with my family, which is what i should've chosen in the first place. even if i had plans before my family just blantanty shoved them aside. tomorrow we're celebrating the birthdays in june, which include my brother, sister, and niece. it's pretty cool to have all of our birthdays in the vicinity of summer.

i'm totally fine with not seeing her, it's just i was kinda excited. i like making new friends. but it's fine though, it's summer and i totally like the vibe. i don't need a summer romance or anything.

so far, school is going great. today was our last lab and one of my colleagues brought donuts, speaking of which, tomorrow is national donut day. but then barbara didn't show up. she probably went to vegas again. so it was just me and jasmine. special quality time ohh yeeaah. kinda bummed that she's transferring to ucla, but what does it matter anyway? i don't keep in contact with most of them. i'm thankful that i made so many friends this semester. i'm also lucky having 2 of the hottest azn girls as my lab partners. hahaha.

but yeah, it's only a matter of time till summer and i've already become somewhat adjusted to it. although i'm still lazy, i have lots of plans. every summer i have plans to get cut, do something amazing, go places, but i never seem to come through. will this summer change anything? we'll see. i think so.

the wait.

the wait.

nostalgia

listening to all my old songs on my external hdd gives me a nice nostalgic feeling. all these songs remind me of old times. good times. but one in particular is probably special, hellogoodbye's oh it's love. as played out as it is, it's a great song nonetheless. i remember telling her i'd play it for her. but fuck, it also brings back bad memories. she's probably one of my exes that i have the best relationship with now, even though technically we don't hang out. too bad she's moving to norcal now...