learning from the distant past

it has come to my attention that i still have ways to go when learning from my mistakes. just little things that have come up make me think about my past. and i feel like a really bad person that hasn't progressed much.

i think the funny thing about relationships is when it ends. it's only at the end where you see each side's true colors. how they really are behind the sugar-coated bs of hugs and kisses. then you start to realize what your whole relationship was based on and how you got together. and i can honestly say that i don't deal with breakups very well. breakups are when i'm at my worst. i will cling the fuck on for as long as i can. in the past, i've always tried to look for a constant, something to hold onto. since that particular "event," i've learned that i don't need a g/f to be happy and that the only constant is change.

i've also been a pretty crappy friend. how many true friends do i have? where there is completely no tension. idk. maybe 2 or 3 w/o the bullshit. but in the past, i always tried to cater to so many ppl that i didn't want to upset anyone so i would talk shit behind ppl's backs (mind you this was early hs). but it became a bad habit that i knew i had to learn from this or it'd just keep biting me in the ass. since then, i don't talk shit behind ppls backs. but the bad thing is that, i keep it all to myself and then there's this sort of tension. i need to learn to say whatever i need to say without being a fucking pussy.

habits are always a hard thing to break, but the way habits are created are with repetition, so the only way to break a habit i guess, is to practice it the right way. lol doesn't sound too easy. but i've been working hard on breaking bad habits. like instead of txting, i'm trying to call more. our generation has become accustomed to txting and we're growing socially retarded with each generation. also my study habits are same as they were in hs, pretty much nonexistent. i don't know how i've gotten through college that way, but unless i change my bad study habits, i'm going to seriously fail.