Youngest

I love being the youngest. It has its perks, but it also has its downsides. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. Growing up being the youngest, I've grown up with a sense of entitlement. This mentality stems from learning the fuck-ups of my siblings, asking for advice, and relying on my family. But with these advantages, there's disadvantages. I learn from all of my siblings' mistakes and fuck-ups, but by doing this, I never actually learn myself. For example, if someone (besides you) touches a hot stove on settings of over 9,000 and they tell you it's hot, then most likely you'll be reluctant to touch it and thus learn from their mistake. You'll never feel how hot the stove is (who would want to?), but by learning yourself, it seems much more of a stronger foundation of knowledge. People make mistakes, then they learn from mistakes. That's just life. What's life without mistakes (don't get me wrong, I've had my own set of fuck-ups)? Another advantage of having other siblings is that you can ask them for advice on a lot of things. For instance, I've asked my brother numerous times, on things on photography and cars, only because I've gotten interested in those because of him. I also joined band because he did. I feel like my interests aren't really mine. I feel like I don't have my own sense of identity. All of my family have a profound influence on me (esp. the older ones). One of the greatest perks of being the youngest is that you can rely on them from time to time(well my family is reliable and we're always there for each other). I feel like I don't have to try at all sometimes because I can always rely on them. For the record, this is probably one of the worst qualities I possess. I don't really rely on friends that much, with the exception of Franz and Muffin (car problems) and Derek and Fabianne (I know I can rely on them. BTW you guys are awesome). The point is, I feel like I rely too much on my siblings. This is what motivated me to write this. Yesterday I had problems with my car and long story short: I need wheels ASAP. So I relied on my brother to look on hondatech and CL for me. Of course I could've done this myself (amongst many other things), but being the youngest -and this is probably the worst disadvantage- is that my family treats me like a child most of the time.

Self Revelation

I'm a lazy bastard. Let me rephrase that I'm a self proclaimed lazy bastard. Once again, not right, lemme rephrase yet again: I was a self proclaimed lazy bastard. I always felt no matter how well I was doing, I always felt it wasn't good enough for whomever. It was until I realized that it was my self-deprecating attitude which brought me down. If I'm in a optimistic mood, then I'm more likely to get things done. At a time in my life which is so different (more work, less school), there's not much that I can do right now, but I kept beating myself up for what I was not doing, rather than improving on what I am doing. I'm doing great right now. I'm making a good amount of money. School isn't too stressful right now. Why do I always feel productive?

I started thinking about this when I was doing my HW. I was always unproductive and I would always have that sense of "oh-shit-i-gotta-get-this-done" mentality at the back of my mind. It occured to me that I had to replicate my work environment because I am sooooo productive at work (no sarcasm). The reason why I'm so productive is because I work with great people who reinforce a positive attitude towards me. I feed on from this positive attitude and forge on through the day.

Lesson of the day for you kids, be positive, no matter how bad the situation is. Even if you have no working car, friends, your dad hates you, and you are doing shit in school(lol not me, a friend of mine actually), smile and keep your head up high.

Necessary Evil

There are some things in life that you must give into. Social networks is one of them. You must give into social networks, if you don't have to, but they are a necessary evil if you are to stay connected with all your friends. I realize that I'm not as connected with my friends when I'm not relying on txting, twitter, or facebook. It's pretty sad actually because it's not just on my part, but theres also. Since I've started this defragmentation only one person has called me and that has been Fabianne; that's only because he's also defragging his life. Unfortunately, I haven't been outside since my Kwanzaa celebration as Adura's dorm. I am losing faith in myself and humanity. We are relying too much on technology for our relationships.

My friends have still been sending me useless txt messages that don't matter, thus I don't call them, but they probably think I don't find them important. Slowly but surely, my friendships will people are deteriorating. I absolutely need to txt! But it's alright, I can manage. I just need to stop being a pussy and call people. Since I started this 3 days ago, I've called 3 people. Adura, Danny and Kyle. Fabianne called me once when I was driving, I forgot to get back to him. I need to connect with these people. I don't really seem interested in hanging out with Fabianne, only because well, it's Fabianne. I don't want to spend money, I don't want to waste my time, I don't want to do bullshit and pick up on my friend's bad habits of eating unhealthy (despite their efforts of trying to lose weight, which is fail).

On top of everything, I've been having dreams about her. I don't know why, but I definitely shouldn't be thinking about her. This shit has to stop. I will be seeing humanity tomorrow (or at least some of it) at school. Thank goodness.

Twenty-ten FTW! Happy New Years!!!

Originally I had already written a blog post about my woes from 2009, but I decided that I shouldn't post it due to a lot of personal information. I had written a lot about relationships and how I've made new ones and strengthened old ones. A relationship is reciprocal, meaning both parties must put in some effort. If I don't make that effort to be your friend, obviously I'm not interested in being your friend. Though there are a few exceptions though. For the sake of blogging, I'll write letters addressing these people who I'm afraid to actually confront (for personal reasons).

1. Dear Sammi,
I'm terribly sorry I haven't been there for you. We haven't talked in a while and when you approached me that day, I didn't seem very interested. It was sad to hear from you because it seemed like you weren't doing well. I sincerely hope the best for you in the future and I hope you find "the one."

2. Dear Autumn,
It's great how we started to get more into our lives through social networks. I haven't had a real conversation with you since my freshmen year when I met you at Vans Warped Tour. I'd like to talk to you more, but unlike 5 years ago, I choke up when I talk to you now. Back then you were the insecure shy girl, but now, you're perfectly beautiful and adequate. Too bad you had to move to Nevada, but hopefully we will hang out in January. I just hope I summon the courage to be cool in front of you like I did when I first met you.

3. Dear BFFITWEUAB,
I'm glad we started talking again. I hope this means we're ready to really become friends. I think I told you that I was going to visit you, but I couldn't and I didn't want to upset you so I didn't tell you. I was waiting for you to get back to me actually. I really want to be friends and I'm not looking for anything. It's just I don't want to come off the wrong way. I seriously miss you.


Salutations Sincerely,
Allan

Life Defragmentating

Since New Years, I've started my defragmentation. Defragmentation -like in computing- moves chunks of information and makes it viable and easy to access. Social defragmentation was started by John Mayer, it includes not using any social networking and texting for the first week of New Years. This helps revitalize the mind and helps many to reconsider using it. It's the first day and I've already been more productive, well not really, but more productive had I been using social networks. I've also quit TV, but it's pretty inevitable in my house, so I've had a rule of thumb, not to choose the channels. In regards to texts, I will respond back by calling. I've decided that blogging, not tumbling (or tumblring) is more healthy, in terms of staying away from the whole social-network thing. Tumblr is a live feed like Twitter and Facebook and is considered microblogging like Twitter. This means that everyone can read and see everything you post, this encourages many users to post complete and utter useless crap in order to receive attention from their friends.

Although I use this blogger much like a diary (personal and for myself), I sometimes like to think I have some sort of audience. If you read my blog, tell me somehow.