Lowest Low?

Lately, I've felt distanced from a certain group of people. This group of people I cannot entirely categorize, but this group contains many people from high school. Before, I thought that people in general were annoying and fake. I will admit that to some degree (notice I said "some degree" because at heart I am an extrovert) I am an introvert and I enjoy doing things alone and having some quiet time. I had come to the conclusion that most people are stupid. Stupid, in the sense, that they are a filth to humanity and an overall burden; fake and annoying people. I began to change, however, when I realized what I wanted to be like (which social person to emulate). Soon, I began to get friendly with people in my classes. There was a sliver of hope, my faith in humanity was restored when I began to think of genuine fun people. The type of social person that I wanted to be. Not the fake kind like the uncategorized group of people that I had mentioned earlier.

That night, my brother informed me that we have to do the "car shuffle". As I was helping him move closer to the end of the curb, I began looking at the sky. I began looking at it and wondering about the universe and all the things we (humans) don't know. Then it hit me. It literally (well not literally) hit me like a bus. I went into this sort of dazed state, the same state that I do not enjoy when I am high. I began to think that life was not beautiful and I began to not care about things. I felt frozen like my usual "high" self, but I wasn't high. That's the weird part. This feeling that I cannot describe is almost "suicidal", it really is. Because usually, I think of how beautiful life is, but when I'm in this "state of mind", I begin to not care about things. Like I truly, do not give a fuck about anything when in that state.

Other possible potential factors that could've affected me are the "fruit snacks" under my bed. There might be some slight feng shui thing that is affecting my energy. Then I read about it, then soon I didn't care because I am not afraid of the "fruit snacks" under my bed. And I don't think that it will ruin any relationship of mine. Though I should probably remove it just in case. Honestly, I tell myself things I want to hear, but deep down in my gut, it's not true. I am a very contradicting person. The problem is me not backing myself up when I tell myself the things that I want to hear. The problem is me not believing myself when I say those things because deep down, I somehow think I cannot attain those. But that's not the case. I certainly can and I certainly will. Also, I was thinking that my sudden mood change might have been because me switching my model M to my filco. Sounds weird, but I feel I should document that here.

Okay so realization time, here's what I plan to change about myself. I am going to become social and relevant. I am going to be genuine, if there's something that I disagree with, I will at least call it out and argue my opinions/beliefs. After all, relationships aren't interesting unless there's fighting/arguing (like anime). I am going to tell jokes that I think are funny. I will filter myself, but at the same time I will take risks. Other things that I'd like to change include: reducing time on 4chan and using the computer less. If I use the computer less, I will have more time to do other things such as hang out with people.