it hit me hard

i was rejected by email from sfsu for not having a gpa higher than 3.0 which is pretty embarassing. on top of that, i get home and there's a rejection letter from slo. great, my day cannot get any better. on top of all this, i have a calc test tomorrow, work tomorrow, and a physics problem set due on friday. i'm just about done with school. as easy as it seems, i don't think school is for me. i don't have the attention span nor do i have the determination and willingness to compete. this is just really fucking sad. 3 years ago, after i left high school, i promised myself that i would get into ucla. i remember after watching and hearing "so much better" from the legally blonde musical that i would accomplish my dreams, MY FUCKING DREAMS, of going to a great university. fast forward 3 years now and i'm nowhere even near my dreams. i'm in danger of getting accepted to cal poly and i didn't even prepare any backup schools. great. just fucking great. i feel like a fucking a failure. you cannot begin to imagine how much fail i feel right now. after 3 years of getting horrible grades and barely making it by in school -not even in honors- i have nothing to show for it. i have no real hobbies, i haven't done anything serious with computers or programming. i'm nowhere near closer to my dreams of becoming a programmer. what am i fucking doing? what the fuck am i doing? seriously. i've never tried once in my life. why can't i try to do something for once? like honestly try and put in 100% effort. i can't do that. my attention span is so fucking short. i've been berated in the past and i'm being berated again my colleges not wanting me. great now my attitude isn't even in alignment with the universe, how am i going to get accepted to cal poly now? i'm just a fucking mess right now. i don't know how to prioritize my life. i complain about how i never have time to do hw, but then when i actually do i'm just fucking sitting here surfing /g/, tumblr and facebook.

i seriously need to grab life by the reigns and steer this motherfucking horse in the right direction. life fucked me. life has fucked me. i need to fuck it back. i'm all talk. i can't even tell anyone about my shitty 2.8 gpa. it's so fucking horrible. i can't even try anymore. and i pretend to know about calculus, physics, and programming as if i'm some kind of fucking genius. i can't just sit here and cry all day.

things i need to do:
1. meditate more
2. sharpen my focus
3. stop going on tumblr, facebook, and 4chan
4. stop thinking/talking, start doing
5. ask questions in class. even if my questions are stupid. the most stupid ppl are the ones who don't understand but pretend to. you cannot fool yourself into thinking your're one of those lazy geniuses who sleep in class but ace tests.
6. study 24hr a day if i have to.
7. stop hanging out with self-destructive ppl and start hanging out with more successful ppl.