blegh

so spring break has finally started and instead of relaxing, it's time for me to play catch up.

i've come to the realization that i've never worked hard for anything. the reason behind this is because i always seem to give up when it gets so hard. on one side of the coin, i feel great for half-assing most of my classes. on the other side, i feel like a complete failure. i feel like a failure because there lies so much potential in my power and it only reminds of how i just gave up during debate most of the time. this is probably why i never feel accomplished most of the time because most of the stuff i've finished are things that are handed to me, or that come to me easily. i want to finish more things and feel greater with more accomplishment. i need that accomplishment. i cringe my teeth while i type this because i know it's true. i don't want to be a failure anymore. i want to get an A in physics and calculus. i've been half-assing calculus and i've been doing pretty good too, but i know i can do hell of a lot better if i attend workshops and go to the math tutoring center. physics has really been "meh." i've been having a "meh wateva"-mentality in that class. i try to concentrate, but i get so fixed up in thinking that lectures are stupid and that the stuff we do there, i can easily do at home. only when i go home and i come to realize that i should've paid more attention in class. i can do a lot better in physics by actually trying to concentrate in class, practicing problems, using the same problem solving skills in real life, and attending SI meetings. it's nice that i have jasmine to copy off of whenever i haven't finished the work, but it's really taking a toll on me. i know it's not helping me and i know jasmine thinks so low of me now. i can't let all my friends in physics help me. i'm drastically falling behind in that class. i hear lectures thinking that the concepts are easy, but in reality i can't utilize those concepts in problems which means i don't understand the concepts fully.

but enough about that. it's spring break, and now it's time for me to do work and kick ass.